


Heat

by Juliaenerys



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Fluff, M/M, Smut, it's more like slight angst actually, this is going to be weird but ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-07
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-02-16 12:18:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 30,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2269413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juliaenerys/pseuds/Juliaenerys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke meets a boy in a Luna Park, a boy who drinks a bit too much, drives a bit too fast and hits a little too hard. But he loves him more than enough too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> yo this is going to be kinda long but hey if you like reading i guess that's good!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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                Two hands press on Luke’s shoulders and push him out of the car. “Hurry up, we’re still stuck in there!” Ashton shouts. Luke laughs and he slips out. One by one, his friends who were all squeezed at the back with him do the same, and Luke stands next to the car. Jake, who was driving, is already there, leaning against another car, arms crossed, gazing in the distance. A second of awkwardness flutters by, as always when he and Luke end up next to each other. “Damn, look at that,” Ashton says suddenly, and Luke blinks his thoughts away. He follows his friend’s gaze, and a smile forms on his lips.

                Luke has always liked Luna Parks a lot, even more than standard amusement parks. Everything is so much more fun at night. Clashing vividly in the middle of the midnight land, under the dark sky, a hundred machines stand as tall as mountains. They’re so colorful, they shine so bright. The whole picture looks like metal caterpillars winding along in a rainbow. Scents rush to Luke’s nose. Candy. Sweat. Junk food. Moisture. Alcohol. Heat. He licks his lips. “So, are we going or not?” he says. Hands in his pockets, he starts walking to the gate of the park, above which huge glowing letters show _Luna Park_ , all red and yellow.

                It’s not that late yet, but many people are already strolling along the paths between the attractions. At that hour, parents and children start to leave, teenagers and young adults start to arrive. It’s a beautiful night, really. July is a sunny month, this year. Very hot, too. Perfect for nights out. Luke sees a little boy carry a chocolate ice-cream and a balloon. His mother and he are visibly heading towards the exit. “What d’you wanna do?” asks another one of Luke’s friends, Finn. Luke shrugs and he keeps looking around, fascinated.

                That park seems to be bigger than any he’s ever been to before. He didn’t know there could be something like that in such a quiet countryside. They’re far from the nearest big city. Luke is glad his friends decided to go out tonight. They all start talking about where they’re going to go first. Ashton wants to buy food. Finn and Michael want to go to the bumper cars. Scott wants to try all the rollercoasters. Jake doesn’t say anything. Luke listens to them all discuss. “Well, we can go to the bumper cars while the park isn’t too crowded yet, then to a rollercoaster, and we can buy food afterwards,” Finn decides in the end, ruffling his light brown hair, slightly too long. Everyone finally agrees. Luke’s glad about that. He’s eager to start having fun.

                The bumper cars are quite a good thing to start with. There’s a wide track, full of small cars painted bright and shiny. Loud music bursts through the speakers. When the boys pay for their tickets, they have to shout so that the owner of the machines hears them. While they wait for the current lap to end, Luke looks around. The attraction is partially open and he can see a children’s rollercoaster on the other side of the path, all green with cute little cars. Next to it, a stall of candy, crêpes, waffles and doughnuts. But then Scott shakes his shoulder. “Hey. It’s gonna start,” he says. Luke turns around. They all pair up to get in the bumper cars. Ashton and Michael go together, just like Finn and Jake, which leaves Scott and Luke. Luke chooses a bright red car, and his friend and he squeeze into it, laughing when their legs get tangled under the steering wheel.

                Scott is a black-haired boy, and his skin is suntanned. With Jake, he’s the only one Luke didn’t meet this year during the holidays. The two of them used to be in the same school. At first, they didn’t really get along that well. Scott tends not to open up easily. But once he does, he becomes the best friend you could have. Luke pushes the purple coin into the slot on the dashboard of the bumper car, and feels it start to vibrate slightly. They decide Scott will drive for the first half of the lap, then Luke will take the wheel. From their cars, their friends wave at them, and slowly, everything starts to move.

                Fortunately, the lap ends before things get violent. A bit reluctantly, the six of them get out of their cars. Finn says he’ll come back again later. As planned, they search for a rollercoaster. There’s an electric blue one that seems to reach the clouds, and as soon as Scott sees it, Luke knows he won’t be moving until he’s ridden the thing. They all buy tickets once again, and a guy working there secures the car they get into. Luke’s heart beats fast. It’s one of the biggest rollercoasters he’s even seen. Actually, he’s almost certain that he wouldn’t have tried it if he hadn’t drunk that can of beer before coming. But adrenaline flows through his veins. And when it ends, he finds himself feeling like doing it again once, twice, thrice more. Maybe he would have if Ashton hadn’t reminded them of the fact he really wanted to eat. “There’s that cotton candy stuff over there…”

                Jake stretches, tall frame, broad shoulders, toned arms. “Let’s find beer.”

                They do. There aren’t a lot of stalls selling alcohol since many children come to this park, but Jake has something of a talent to find the green bottles he wants. It’s cheap beer, but still beer, and it’s strong. Luke takes one of the bottles and opens it with Scott’s pocket knife. Ashton is holding cotton candy; Michael, popcorn. From time to time, Finn grabs something from them. For a while, they stroll around lazily, taking a look at the attractions. There’s a glass palace, there’s a shooting stall, trampolines, arcades, a lottery… Luke wraps his lips around the bottle and sips from it. He doesn’t even need to turn around to know Finn has lit up a cigarette when he smells it. But suddenly, Jake lets out a little sound of surprise.

                “Jamie? Hey, Jamie!” he calls, waving at a boy a few meters away. The boy looks around for a few seconds until he spots Jake, and surprise paints itself all over his face. He comes towards the group of friends, followed by a few people. Luke tiptoes to see him better over Scott’s shoulder. Jamie has blonde hair, almost the same color as Luke, in fact. His blue eyes are laughing. He seems happy to see Jake here, and Luke thinks he looks nice. He’s wearing Converse, and they’re so worn out that they look tired, and it’s without a doubt because they were worn by other people before him. Siblings, probably. “Didn’t know you were here,” Jake says.

                Jamie grins. “Didn’t know you were here either,” he replies. “Hi,” he adds to Ashton, Michael, Scott, Finn and Luke. Luke smiles and waves back. “Uh,” Jamie says, “I don’t think you know my friends from the surfing club,” he tells Jake. He starts introducing everyone, and Luke glances at the new faces he sees. There’s a tall boy named Clive, another one that looks like a younger and more average-looking version of Jeremy Renner, and a small one with jet-black hair and glasses – and Luke knows right away that no matter how hard he tries he’s not going to remember his name tonight. Sorry. And then, there’s Calum.

                Calum is tall. He’s slim, built, but not too much. He has golden skin. Long legs, a thin waist, and broad shoulders and dark hair. Luke’s eyes linger on his face for a few seconds more. Maybe too many, because Calum seems to feel this weight on him and he looks at Luke too. He licks his lips. Luke looks away. It turns out that Jamie and his friends were looking for a place to buy beer, and Jake tells them where they went a while ago. In the end, they all go there, and Luke buys a second bottle. He’s having a lot of fun, and he’s pleasantly dizzy. Different songs come from different attractions, everyone is chatting and laughing and it all melts in his ears.

                They’re watching a rollercoaster from a distance while they drink, and Luke hears Jamie speak to Jake, surely thinking he can’t be heard but he’s obviously drunk and not really able to tell. Luke is listening, but pretending not to be. “So, he’s the one you…” Jamie begins, and Luke sees a finger pointing at him more or less discreetly. He blushes and suddenly doesn’t find Jamie as nice as before, but he doesn’t move. Jake pushes Jamie’s hand away and he tells him to shut up. Luke looks down. He’s quite relieved about that. He doesn’t really want Jamie to hear about what Jake and he did for a few months when they were in college. Everyone has the right to do stuff without the whole world knowing about it.

                The longer they stay with Jamie and his friends, the more Luke looks at Calum, and the more he feels Calum’s eyes on him. They’re like flying sparks burning the back of his neck. After a while, they all part into smaller groups, and Luke makes sure to go with the young man. Scott, Finn and Clive are with them. They go to more attractions, but Luke doesn’t really pay attention to those. Much more to how every time he glances at Calum, Calum is glancing at him. Calum’s dark brown eyes seem to be glowing under the colorful lights of the park. Silent messages are sent. They still haven’t said a word to each other.

                The young man is so handsome it seems unreal, and even if alcohol is clouding Luke’s mind, he can see it. And the way he’s looking at him… Luke wants to talk to Calum. But he knows he doesn’t have the guts. However, when Finn and Clive decide to go to the arcade, Calum comes by Luke’s side. “Wanna go somewhere else?” he asks without looking at him directly. He smiles, hands in his pockets. Luke nods silently, surprised but enthusiastic. “We’re a bit hot here,” Calum tells their friends, “You go to the arcade, we’ll just go for a walk or something, okay?” he says. Scott smiles at Luke and Luke bets he knows what’s on his mind. He waves as they walk away.

                Calum guides Luke to the exit. He’s not talking, but it’s not awkward or unpleasant. Although it’s getting really late, the air is still thick and hot, like a damp sheet thrown all over the park. Luke is glad to get away from all the noise and twinkling lights. Side by side, they walk to the parking lot. It’s dark, there. Luke can still hear sounds from the park, but they’re much lower, like muffled by the distance. Calum points at a black convertible. “That’s my car,” he explains. Luke smiles. Once they’ve reached it, the young man leans against the hood of the car, and he pats the space next to him. Luke sits there. Calum smells like alcohol, a bit. “So, where are you from?” Calum asks.

                “From here,” Luke smiles.

                “You haven’t come a long way,” Calum chuckles. “It’s a nice place,” he adds.

                “Yeah,” Luke nods. “Really cool.”

                “Hey, is there any left?” Calum asks, pointing at Luke’s bottle.

                “Oh. Sure,” Luke answers, handing him his beer. Calum takes it, fingers brushing the back of Luke’s hand. He drinks about half of the remaining alcohol. Thrilled at the idea, Luke imitates him right after, lips meeting the place where Calum’s lips were seconds ago. “So, why did you want to come here?” he asks once he’s finished, wiping his mouth with his wrist. The cheap beer seems to have a lightly different taste now. Calum chuckles. And a second later, he leans in and kisses Luke’s lips.

                Luke has a natural reaction of surprise but he quickly realizes how good it feels and he closes his eyes. Calum is pulling him closer, against his chest, and Luke instinctively wraps his arms around the young man’s neck. The bottle is still in his hand, swaying in the air. Calum’s hands are too low on his hips. But he’s completely wasted and he couldn’t care less. His legs are on either side of Calum. Hands search, grope for cheeks, faces, necks, skin. Luke pushes Calum higher on the hood of the car, and he climbs on it while Calum lies. Luke’s free to bend down and press his lips against Calum’s once again. Without him noticing, his fingers release the bottle of beer and it rolls down the car, then crashes on the ground with a brief sound.

                Calum’s fingers find their way under his t-shirt and a shiver runs down Luke’s spine. He sits up, shakes his head to get his hair off his forehead, and looks down at Calum. He’s out of breath. The young man doesn’t let him rest for more than a few seconds and he props himself up on his elbow, reaches for Luke’s face and pulls him down for another kiss. His lips don’t taste like wine and all that romantic stuff. They taste like cheap beer, but Luke still wants to get drunk and he does and he forgets to breathe. “I like your hair,” Calum says when he breaks the kiss briefly. “I like your face. I like you,” he adds, nuzzling Luke’s neck and leaving tiny bites from time to time with the edge of his teeth.

                Luke doesn’t find anything to reply. He feels just fine in Calum’s arms. There’s something special happening, he knows it, without really being able to put it into words. When Calum bites his lower lip too hard for it to be involuntary, Luke lets out a surprised moan, and it rings clear and bright in the middle of the quiet parking lot. Calum seems amused. Luke is only excited, but more than enough. He doesn’t recall the last time when he made out with someone, let alone someone he’d just met. This is great. Calum grips his hips and pulls onto them repeatedly, creating a circular motion. The first drops of pleasure trickle down Luke’s body. He feels himself hardening against Calum, more and more every time they touch. Clumsily, breathlessly, resting his hands on Calum’s shoulders, he finds a steadier position to rub up against him.

                Quickly their moves get faster, their kisses deeper and their moans eager, and Calum takes a deep breath in. Even there, Luke can see his dilated pupils and reddened cheeks. For a moment, they don’t move and try to think about what might happen, depending on what they’ll decide to do. “Inside would be better,” Calum breathes.

                Luke hops off the car and the young man does the same, and while he blinks dizzily for a few seconds, Calum pushes him forwards and they stumble to the closest passenger door of the car. Calum’s fingers are fumbling when he struggles with the keys. But at last the car is open and Luke opens the door hastily. Calum almost shoves him inside, and the boy lands on the backseat. In the dark, he feels Calum crawl in over his body. “Close the door,” he presses in a nervous whisper. Calum complies. Soon, he resumes what they were doing before, and Luke finds out the car seats are just as uncomfortable as the hood, if not more. There isn’t much space, and at any moment they might fall to the floor if they move too much. He has other things to think about, though.

                Calum mutters he’s too hot and he pulls his shirt off. He has the chest Luke wishes to have himself and he feels faintly jealous of that. But at the same time, it makes him want to touch and kiss every inch of Calum’s skin. He knows what Calum wants. It’s so obvious he would be stupid if he wasn’t aware of it. But although he wants it just as much as him, he takes his time, casually brushing the young man’s hand away whenever he tries to makes him strip. Doesn’t like taking it too fast. Only much later, he finally takes off his shirt, and tosses it aside with Calum’s. The seats feel burning hot under his back. Everything is muffled, almost smothered. “Want you,” Calum mumbles. Luke nods. _Want you too_.

                Calum sits up and he plops down on one of the seats, and pulls Luke on his lap. Luke enjoys his new position. He’s slightly higher than Calum. Very slowly, he begins to roll his hips again, listening to the sounds that leave the young man’s lips when their clothed arousals press against each other. Calum’s breath hitches. Luke finds the situation truly thrilling. Who knows when someone will enter their vehicle nearby? Who knows when someone will walk by and take a look into Calum’s car without knowing what they’re going to see? Luke nibbles at Calum’s lips one last time before he kisses his way down to his neck. He swears he can feel blood pulsing deep inside. Then there’s his collarbones. Calum has tattoos. Luke shifts to go lower and he ends up on the floor, uncomfortably kneeling between the back seat and the front ones. He pushes Calum’s knees apart, and whispers to him to come closer.

                Luke reaches for Calum’s jeans and unbuckles his belt, then he undoes the zipper, and palms him through his underwear. “Don’t tease,” Calum says. Luke pulls his boxers down and grabs him and starts to lick. It’s not his first time doing this, but it still feels weird. Somehow, it seems to make Calum very happy, though. He gropes for Luke’s head and runs his fingers through his blonde hair. Luke shudders. He wraps his lips around Calum’s erection, takes him in. Everything goes really fast and before Luke can finish him, Calum is pulling him back on his lap and holding his chin between two fingers. “Don’t want to come in your mouth,” Calum says in his ear, and it makes Luke’s heart skip a beat. Once again, Calum’s hands hold his hips and his waist tight and bring him down again and again.

                “Do you – ” Luke begins, “ah…have a condom?” he stammers messily.

                “Storage…glove…thing in front of the passenger seat,” Calum replies, panting. Luke gets up and the best he can, he finds his way to the front of the car, opens the sort of drawer he finds and he rummages through it for a good minute before his fingers close around what he was searching for. He crawls back to Calum, and hands it to him. “Thanks,” Calum mumbles. He quickly puts it on, and goes back to kissing Luke like it’s the best attraction of the night. To tell the truth, Luke could easily have admitted that it makes his heart beat faster than any rollercoaster he rode before. Calum’s hand slips into his jeans, fondling his butt. Luke sighs. “Take that off,” Calum begs. He sounds desperate.

                Luke starts to unbutton his jeans and he’s about to take them off, but at that moment, he feels his phone buzz in his pocket. The two of them stop moving and for a few seconds, the only sounds in the car are those of their ragged breathing. Air spills from Calum’s mouth harshly, and it hits Luke’s cheek, hot. He grabs his phone. The bright light from the screen blinds him. He already had trouble seeing Calum in the dark before, but now he can see absolutely nothing else than his mobile phone. And when he reads the text he’s got, he suddenly feels really guilty. Scott.

                _Luke, it’s been half an hour. Remember Jake. Don’t do anything stupid._

                Luke is about to type a reply when Calum snatches his phone away from him. “Don’t – ” Luke protests.

                “Why should you remember Jake?” Calum asks when he reads Scott’s message.

                Luke looks down.

                He understands why Scott is worried. It’s always about that one party in college, at the end of their second year, and what came after it. About two years ago. It was Jake’s birthday, in early June, and he had invited next to the equivalent of three classes. Great occasion to get totally wasted. Luke and he were really great friends at that time. But in the middle of the night, when everyone was dancing and drinking and shouting, Luke had the bad idea of giving his present to his friend while they were alone in the same bedroom, upstairs, quiet. Quiet, not for that long. It only took a clumsy, drunken, thoughtless confession from Jake and a messy kiss for them to throw their clothes all over the floor, and that’s how Luke had sex with Jake on his friend’s parents’ bed.

                Everything feels different when you’re sober, and when Luke woke up an hour or two after they had finished, he realized how huge that mistake was. But Jake didn’t seem to. The young man managed to talk Luke into dating him, and four months of very bad sex – everything _does_ feel different when you’re sober – and of a shitty relationship Luke didn’t actually want to be in followed. Luke hoped he would be happy to have a friend with benefits. He hoped it would be a great experience. It lasted quite long. Until the day Jake found himself a girlfriend. Not a boyfriend. It left Luke startled and ashamed. He still is, though not as much. He hasn’t been with anyone since. And tonight, when he reads Scott’s text, he knows exactly what his friend means. _Don’t fuck anyone you don’t really want._

                It’s weird, but Luke thinks he wants Calum more than he’s ever wanted Jake or anyone before that. Even if he doesn’t know much more than his name. He likes the way he looks. He likes the way he speaks. He likes the way he smiles. Luke licks his lips and he places a little kiss on Calum’s nose. He takes advantage of the split second during which Calum is distracted and gets his phone back. He types a short but thankful reply, and shoves it back into his pocket. “I’ll tell you later,” he says, and Calum buys it. They kiss again, more softly. While Calum strokes his waist, Luke finally takes off his pants and his underwear. It’s a good thing the car is so dark, because this way Calum cannot see him much. He grabs Calum’s wrist and guides his hand towards his crotch. Calum understands.

                He strokes Luke’s skin, pinching here and there gently, and especially where the boy’s butt meets his thighs. Then, painfully slow, he put his index finger inside him. Luke groans low, frustrated. Moving his hips in circles, he tries to take more of him, and Calum understands, soon adding a second finger. It’s been long since Luke had sex for the last time and it almost feels new. Calum searches for his sweet spot, finds it, loses it, finds it again, makes Luke whimper. Luke hopes no one hears. The car smells like sweat now, and it’s all wet and hot. There seems to be less and less space. Luke should have got more preparation but he doesn’t care. “Enough,” he lets out, and Calum takes his hand back. He draws the boy down onto his lap, and slowly Luke sits on him, feeling him go inside.

                It takes several minutes for him to adjust, especially since he hasn’t slept with anyone in months. But it feels great. There’s pain, there’s discomfort and awkwardness, _but_. And the air inside the car is suffocating, Calum’s forehead is damp with sweat, Luke’s hands are shaking and a seatbelt fastener is digging painfully into his right knee, _but_. It feels great. Luke is in charge of moving and he begins after a minute, when the pain has faded. Slow and steady circles of his hips are enough to send both of them far away from here and to make them forget about the park a hundred meters further. Luke finds his pace but he quickly goes faster. Their faces are so close he can feel every imperfection on Calum’s lips when their mouths brush. Several times, their foreheads bump.

                Calum’s fingers clench his hips so hard there will probably be marks later. As Luke moves, he slides within him and he lets out breathless moans. “Can’t you go faster?” he pleads. Luke shakes his head without a word. Calum lets go of his hips briefly to take his face between his hands and kiss him. Luke waits. He does try to move at a faster pace but it’s so hot he almost has trouble breathing, and his thighs are aching. Eventually, he stops everything and buries his head in the crook of Calum’s neck, breathing him in. “Fuck,” Calum swears.

                He lets out a frustrated grunt and he lifts Luke up, puts him down on the car seat, and makes him put his chest against the back. Luke is on his knees, hands gripping the edge of the seat, and the rough fabric keeps rubbing against his member, almost teasingly. He’s so hard it hurts and he’s about to ask Calum what he’s waiting for when he feels him take his hips in his hands, and Calum enters him once again from behind, thick and hot. Luke muffles a cry with his palm. Calum starts moving right away, and the car shakes faintly. Calum’s hands and Luke’s skin are slapping together. “Shit, harder Calum, _please_ –– ” he begs, but Calum presses his hand against his mouth all of a sudden. Luke opens his eyes wide in surprise.

                “Don’t move,” Calum whispers. “You don’t want them seeing us, do you?” he says, releasing Luke’s mouth and pointing at something outside the car. Looking out of the window, Luke sees a few people walking towards a car near Calum’s, and he freezes. That’s just so wrong. He’s naked and Calum is shirtless, still thrusting faintly inside him. If anyone sees them, it won’t be hard guessing what they’re doing. Fortunately, the people passing by are laughing and chatting and don’t focus on what’s around them, and Luke sees them drive away a couple of minutes later. Calum chuckles. “You okay?” he asks. Luke nods quickly.

                It’s not long before Calum begins to move inside him like before, going faster gradually. That’s when Luke starts thinking about his friends. He wonders what they’re doing right now. Are they wondering where the two of them are? Or do they know exactly? What do they think of him? Especially Scott. Luke remembers how sad he told him he was, and how he swore to him he would always be careful with his relationships, the day Jake and he broke up. Scott must be disappointed. Luke feels slightly ashamed, but it doesn’t stop him from enjoying what Calum is doing to him. When the tip of the young man’s erection touches his sensitive spot, he screams.

                Luke wants it to be over. It’s getting late and the park will surely close soon. People will start to leave. But he doesn’t have to worry. As Calum brings him closer and closer, he tightens his grip on the headrest of the seat. It shakes. “Jesus, Luke,” Calum groans. His fingers are sticky and they slip on Luke’s waist. His thrusts become irregular and rushed, until he comes surprisingly fast. Luke is surprised but it excites him and while Calum rides out of his orgasm and lets it fade, he only needs to hump the car seat softly to dirty it well and truly. Pleasure hits him like a blow. He gasps, shivers, speechless, fingertips digging into the seat. Calum is sucking a hickey on the side of his neck.

                “The window – open the window,” Luke stammers, suffocating. Calum understands and he crawls to the door, cursing loudly when his head hits the ceiling. With difficulty, he gropes for the window button and finally manages to push it. The window slides open, and air rushes in. Luke has never been so happy to feel the wind on his face. Although it’s still warm outside, compared with the heat in the car, it feels as fresh as the North wind. Luke closes his eyes as he lies down on the backseat. Calum is glancing around, checking no one is there, and he tosses the dirty condom somewhere in the parking lot. Then he turns to Luke, and bends down over him. Luke doesn’t move and he doesn’t open his eyes. “What?” he whispers.

                “Nothing. You look beautiful,” Calum says.

                “Stop that,” Luke replies, but he can’t suppress a smile. It feels strange to be complimented by someone he’s just met. But not unpleasant. Even with his eyes closed, he can feel the young man’s smile. Calum takes hold of his ankles and lifts them up to make space on the seats, and he sits down, then forms a bridge over his lap with Luke’s legs. Luke starts to relax. Calum traces random patterns on his knees, with the tip of his thumb. After a while, Luke’s body cools down and he feels cold. “Can you give me my clothes, please,” he says low. Calum searches for them in the dark, and he doesn’t realize he’s handed Luke his own shirt. Luke does but he says nothing and puts it on with a little smile.

                He lies down again. They’re silent, unmoving. Then there’s Calum stroking his cheek, and Luke’s eyelids flutter. “Wanna go?” Calum asks. Luke nods.

                Calum grabs the second shirt but he doesn’t put it back on. However, when he gets out of the car and sees it under the soft light coming from the park, he frowns. He glances at Luke, back at the shirt he’s holding, smiles a bit, and opens the driver door. Luke quickly weaves his way to the passenger seat, and he glances at Calum. The young man pushes the key into the hole, turns it, and starts up. “Weren’t you the one driving your friends here?” Luke asks. He doesn’t want them all to have to walk back home because Calum and he are leaving earlier.

                “Jamie has his car too, they can fit in it,” Calum says. “I’ll tell them, though.” He reaches for the right pocket of his jeans and grabs his mobile phone while he drives out of the parking lot. Luke opens the window and rests his arm on the edge. Wind strokes his face. “Jamie?” Calum says on the phone. “Take everyone in your car when you leave. I’m driving Luke home.” When he hears his name pronounced by Calum, Luke shivers. “Yeah, I know it’s been long, but you weren’t bored out there, were you? Fine. Yeah. See you.” Calum hangs up and he puts his phone down on the dashboard. “We can remove the top if you want to,” he smiles. He sounds a bit timid, as if he were about to show Luke his favorite thing. He reaches for a handle on the ceiling, pulls it, lets go, and the roof of the car slides open, disappears.

                Luke can see the night sky. They’re in the countryside, and there are no street lights, only those of the cars. The nearest city, where he lives, is about fifty kilometers away. Close enough for Luke to spend his holidays here, too far for him not to rent a studio flat. Progressively, as they get away from the park, everything gets even darker than before, and stars seem to light up up there. Luke gazes at them in wonder. He’s so happy to be here. Calum is driving fast. A bit too fast, but the road is empty and Luke likes it. “Where did you get that car?” he asks finally. It’s no toy, and few of the people of his age he knows could afford such things.

                “My parents are…” Calum trails off.

                “Oh,” Luke says. Calum doesn’t sound like he wants to talk about it. “It’s great,” the blonde-haired boy goes on to change the subject. “Thanks for the ride,” he adds. Calum grins and shakes his head. They drive along a long and thin road waving on the landscape. It’s amazingly quiet, aside from the sound of Calum’s car. Luke decides that Calum won’t be offended if he takes off his shoes and he does, he sinks deeper into his seat and puts his feet on the dashboard. Calum glances at him and he smiles even more.

                “Do you mind if we take the long way?” he asks.

                “Not at all.”

                Calum switches on the radio and sets the volume really low, and a song Luke can’t quite recognize seems to start whispering with the wind. He closes his eyes, and feels Calum rest his hand on his thigh. He wonders what Scott is doing. Luke makes a mental note to text him when he’s home. It must be close to two or three a.m. by now. After a while, he opens his eyes again, only to find out Calum’s slowing down and stopping the car on the side of the road. From here, they can see a field, a pond, and the ocean in the distance, a few miles away. Luke is about to ask him what he’s doing, but Calum unfastens his seatbelt, leans towards him, places his hand on his cheek and kisses him softly.

                Luke’s fingers struggle with his own seatbelt but he finally manages to set himself free, and he eagerly kisses Calum back. Inside his chest, his heart beats faster. Calum’s hand travels from his face to his neck, then to his shoulder, his chest, and finally stops at his waist. They kiss and touch each other for several minutes before Calum takes a deep breath in and sits straight again, hands on the steering wheel. “Okay, let’s go,” he says. Luke chuckles.

                They stop twice more before Luke gets home.

                And when he does, Calum gets out of the car too to walk to the front door with him. He lets his hand brush Luke’s nonchalantly. “Thanks again,” Luke says when they reach the door.

                “No problem, I had a lot of fun,” Calum replies.

                Luke smiles. Then he remembers. “Oh, I still have your shirt.”

                “Keep it,” Calum laughs. “I’ve got yours.”

                Luke nods silently and he looks at the ground for a moment. Calum leans against the wall, arms crossed. It takes Luke a lot of courage to speak. “Could I see you again?” he asks in a whisper.

                “I thought you’d never ask,” Calum grins. He takes a step towards Luke and presses a soft kiss on his lips. “Give me your number.” Luke does and Calum types it into his phone, promising he’ll text him. They stand awkwardly by the door for about ten minutes more, not saying much, just because neither of them really wants to leave the other. And in the end, Luke takes the plunge and offers Calum to crash at his place. The young man couldn’t have smiled any brighter. The two of them climb the stairs to Luke’s rented apartment, and try not to wake the neighbors up, muffling their laughs and their hushed words as they step in.

 

 

 

~

 

 

               

                Calum and Luke enter the apartment more or less discreetly, and they close the door. Luke realizes he really needs to use the toilets and after telling Calum to make himself comfortable, he quickly heads to the bathroom, taking a shower while he’s at it. When he gets out, the young man is sitting on the sofa a bit awkwardly, looking out of the window. Luke lends him night clothes and shows him the bathroom. He sits on his bed. The apartment is made for one person and there is only a single bed, which is why he offers it to Calum, saying he’ll take the sofa. Calum laughs at this. “We’ll squeeze up in this,” he says, climbing onto the mattress and joining Luke. Luke lets himself be kissed. He’s already dozing off.

                His head aches when he opens his eyes in the morning, and he waits for the wave of sensible, rational, _sober_ thoughts and emotions to wash over him, all full of shame and regrets and embarrassment, but nothing comes. Nervously, Luke thinks it’s going to sink in soon and he’s going to feel bad about what happened last night, but he doesn’t. Not even for a second. Actually, he feels strangely happy to have spent the night with Calum. He turns around, lying on his side, to look at him. He remembers how they were so hot in the same bed they threw the bed sheets away. But not too far. Luke can’t sleep if his feet aren’t _protected_. Scares him. On their shared pillow, Calum’s head rests, and his hair is messy. He looks younger.

                Luke looks at his shoulders and his upper arms. Under such a thin sleeveless shirt, it’s easy to imagine him without it. Calum’s arms are darker than Luke’s, they look soft but strong. The tattoos are black. His left hand seems to be reaching for Luke. He has a really slender waist. Luke’s eyes slide along his legs, all the way to his feet, then the journey back begins and he looks at Calum’s face again. And he finds him wide awake, brown eyes open and sparkling. “Hey,” Calum says. Luke smiles. The young man sits up and he stretches, yawning. But when he turns towards Luke, he rubs his temples. “Uh…do you have aspirin?”

                Calum leaves after they have a light lunch, and they promise each other to set up another meeting soon. Luke watches him go. Last night, he texted Scott hastily to tell him he was home, but he didn’t get a reply. Luke plops down on the sofa, his phone in his hand, and dials his friend’s number. He’s actually a bit anxious about how Scott is going to react. After a lot of time, his friend finally picks up the phone. “Hi,” Luke says.

                _“Hi.”_

“Did you get my text, yesterday?”

                _“Yeah, I did,”_ Scott answers, _“but I forgot to reply. Sorry.”_

                “It’s fine,” Luke replies low. “How was your night? Did you have fun?”

                _“I did. What about you, though? How many times?”_

                Luke blushes. “One, only one,” he says hurriedly.

                _“Oh, really?”_ Scott chuckles. He sounds bitter.

                “Sorry,” Luke whispers.

                _“No, it’s fine… I understand. I’m glad you had fun with him. I was just – worried.”_

                “Thanks. For caring, I mean,” Luke says after a moment.

                _“You’re my friend, Luke,”_ Scott says.

                A smile forms on Luke’s lips. “Yeah.”

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke and Calum's relationship's changes with time, in good ways and bad ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw some of you had left kudos or comments and thank you so much! I didn't even expect I'd get any feedback since this is my first fic here. Anyway, enjoy reading yo

 

 

                What Calum didn’t tell him the night they were out, chatting in the parking lot, is that he actually lives in the region too. Luke learns about this when the two of them are on the phone, a few days later. Calum owns an apartment in the nearest city center, and even if he doesn’t put it into words like this, Luke guesses it’s in a rich area. The tiny studio flat he rents himself, for an already outrageously enormous amount of money, is much further from the business district. He briefly wonders how come Calum spends his holidays in such a lost part of the country, but the young man gives him a clear explanation. He’s sick of the city. It makes Luke smile. Calum tells him it amused him that they ended up meeting each other during the holidays when they both live in the same city.

                The following week, Calum takes him to the beach. Unlike Jamie and his friends, he’s not in the surfing club, though he used to be and he even offers Luke to teach him a few things. But Luke already knows it would be a disaster and he declines, so instead they go swimming and play volley. It feels weird because a group of people their age they don’t know welcome them on their sand field happily and a girl with long auburn hair brushed until it shone keeps flirting with Calum, who has to deal with it embarrassedly. Luke wants to laugh when he imagines the face the girl would make if she knew how Calum and he have been going at it for the past few days.

                July will soon come to an end and the two of them decide to actually date. It’s not a stressful situation since Luke knows they’ll still be able to meet even after the holidays, in the city or in the countryside. Two days after the beach, Luke, Calum, and their group of friends decide to have a night out and to go to a club. Luke is starting to discover how much Calum loves to get drunk. Luke and his friends drink at parties or when they have nights out, but Calum – Calum drinks at home too. That night, they all squeeze up in two cars and drive to the club, which isn’t that far from the Luna Park. It’s surprising to see it. It seems to appear out of nowhere, in the middle of the countryside, by a quiet winding road. But many other cars and bikes are already parked there when they arrive, and it’s not even midnight yet. Luke’s heart quivers with anticipation.

                Jamie is here, Jake too, and Finn, Michael, Ashton, as well as the small guy with glasses, whose name is actually Nathan, but the others call him Nate. Scott couldn’t come because of a date with his girlfriend. Luke and the others head to the door of the club, and whoever was supposed to check their IDs isn’t doing his job really well. But all of them are legal so it doesn’t matter much. The first thing Calum does is head to the bar, to “start the night in due form”. Jake agrees with him frighteningly fast, and Luke ends up dragged to the bar as well, and receiving a glass full of a red cocktail he doesn’t know, and it burns his throat like fire. The music isn’t actually music here. It’s more like heavy bass and a bit of electronical drums from time to time. But Luke somehow finds himself liking the place.

                They’ve all been dancing for almost an hour when Calum starts kissing Luke absently in the middle of the dancefloor, and Luke kisses him back with little giggles. He’s feeling hot. Jake is gone, with God knows who. “Toilets,” Calum says, and Luke smiles. He watches him go, and someone pats his shoulder. Luke turns around. It’s Nathan, with his hair darker and messier than ever, and his glasses casting a funny shadow on his face. He’s smaller than Luke, slightly thinner, but his eyes sparkle with intelligence.

                “Hey, do you wanna sit down somewhere?” Nate asks.

                “Sure,” Luke smiles.

                The two of them search for seats in a corner of the club, and Luke orders two drinks, without alcohol this time. He looks at Nate expectantly, thinking the young man had something to tell him. And indeed, “You’re dating Calum, aren’t you?” Nate says, without really waiting for an answer. Luke nods. “Look, I know it’s gonna sound weird,” Nate laughs, “but if he drives you home tonight, don’t let him sleep over,” he says. Luke frowns. He doesn’t understand where Nathan is getting at. “I mean, he’s gonna be really drunk. Like, really, a lot.”

                “I’ve already seen him drunk,” Luke smiles.

                “You haven’t,” Nate says, chuckling. “I’m not saying this to scare you, just…well, be careful. Whenever I came to this club and he was there, he was so wasted he ended up successively punching three of our friends, crying on Clive’s shoulder for twenty minutes and asking us to stop the car on the side of the road to throw up. You never know what he’ll be doing. I’d say he has three levels of drunk. When he drinks a little he’s okay, just really happy and flirty, then when he drinks more he starts to be really bitter and to get mad at anyone who crosses him, and when he goes to a club, uh…he goes batshit crazy,” Nate finishes, looking at the floor. “He’ll be okay when we’re all in his car because there will be four of us, but don’t stay alone with him for too long,” he smiles faintly. “And don’t let him drive!” he adds nervously. “He’ll want to.”

                Luke swallows. “Uh…thanks, I guess,” he says. To tell the truth, he knows that after a few glasses of beer Calum is obviously different from when he’s sober, but he can’t really imagine him doing everything Nate mentioned. “I’ll take care of him,” he smiles. Just when he starts to wonder if Calum hasn’t fallen into the toilets hole and disappeared, the young man arrives behind him and wraps his arms around his shoulders. “Hey,” Luke grins. Calum looks at the glass he’s holding, grabs it, drinks a bit, and grimaces when he tastes fruit juice.

                “Vodka martini, please,” he shouts to the barman, and Nathan shakes his head amusedly. Luke wonders why neither he nor his other friends never stop Calum from drinking if he becomes so turbulent when he’s drunk. But then he comes to the realization the young man would probably punch them if they tried to do that. Calum gets his drink and he raises it to his lips. Quickly, the alcohol disappears and he puts the glass down, empty. When he asks for another one, Luke grabs his wrist and says hey, hey Calum, maybe you should stop drinking and why don’t you want to dance a bit? It would be really fun, way more than drinking so much. Calum, do you wanna dance? “I want to drink,” Calum mumbles.

                Luke glances at Nathan and Nathan looks away.

                “Look,” Luke begins, gently wrapping his arms around Calum’s neck and kissing his nose to make the young man look at him. “If you get drunk – _too drunk_ , you won’t remember anything and do you want that? No, you don’t,” he says. Calum stares at him for a long time. When he gets his drink, he seems to be thinking hard, whether he should take it or not. In the end, he hands it to Luke with a mischievous smile. Luke raises an eyebrow. Calum makes him drink a bit. It’s strong. And a few seconds later, Calum swallows the rest of the content of the glass. “Dumbass,” Luke mutters, rubbing his forehead. Nate pats his shoulder and he walks away.

                It’s no use trying to prevent Calum from drinking too much, and Luke’s plan even backfires because he ends up almost as drunk as him at the end of the night. However, he still manages to see who is who between their friends, and he drags himself to Calum’s car. Finn and Nate get in with them. “He’s fucking gone,” Finn laughs aloud when he sees Calum slumping down on the backseat. “I’ll drive the three of you home and I’ll leave the car at Calum’s. I don’t live far from his place,” he announces. Luke nods absent-mindedly. The best he can, he fastens a seatbelt around Calum’s lying body, and does the same to himself. The young man’s head is on his lap. From time to time, he mutters curses and says he wants to drive. Finn takes the steering wheel.

                Luke starts dozing off barely a minute after they get away from the club. Before he closes his eyes, he faintly hears a voice on the radio saying it’s four a.m. He’s woken up briefly by Nathan closing the door when Finn drops him at his place, but soon, he goes back to sleep. Finn has to shake him when they reach his building. With difficulty, Luke gets out of the car. “Nate said not to let Calum sleep over,” he groans.

                “Yeah, yeah,” Finn laughs. “That’s it.” He guides Luke to the doorstep, waves at him, gets back in the car, and drives away. Luke watches the black convertible fade into the distance, then he trails to the front door, fumbles with his keys to open it, and laboriously crawls to his apartment, where he collapses on the bed and falls asleep instantly, clothes on and face unwashed.

                The biggest headache of his entire life says hello to him the next morning. Luke lets out a painful moan and he rolls on his bed, feeling dirty. He only manages to get up minutes later, and makes his way to the bathroom, opening the cupboard next to the sink with trembling fingers. Aspirin waits for him. He swallows two pills, only to bring them back up into the toilets the next moment. Luke decides he’ll need a quiet moment to get over all of this and he goes back to his bed. His head is hot as a stove. He doesn’t really know whether he goes back to sleep or faints, but either way, it all goes black as soon as he meets the mattress.

                His phone wakes him up at the end of the afternoon, since he still has it in the pocket of his jeans. Luke blinks several times, dizzily, and he realizes someone is calling him. He struggles to dip his hand into his pocket, grabs his phone, drops it, grabs it again, picks up, brings it against his ear. Scott’s voice is there, warm, soft. Luke lets his head fall back on the pillow. _“Hey, how is it going?”_ his friend asks.

                “Perfect,” Luke croaks.

                _“Nate told me about Calum making you drink too much yesterday,”_ Scott says. He sounds amused, but not mocking _. “Did you make it to your apartment?”_

                “Finn…he drove us back home.”

                _“Great. Do you want me to come? You sound sick,”_ Scott goes on.

                Luke hesitates. “If you want to,” he answers finally. “But I probably look sick as well.”

                He does. Before his friend arrives, Luke gets up and goes to the bathroom to at least have a shower, and the face of a monster greets him in the mirror. He undresses, gets the water running, and washes himself thoroughly, trying not to throw up in the shower. At least, the headache is gone, he thinks. Scott knocks on the door shortly after Luke gets out of the bathroom. Luke lets him in, and that’s only when he realizes how happy he is to see him. Scott is carrying a bag of apples and a bottle of sparkling water. “Good morning, sunshine,” he grins.

                “It’s five p.m.,” Luke whines.

                “ _Good afternoon, sunshine_ sounds like shit,” Scott shrugs. He puts the bottle and the apples on the table. “Are you hungry?” he asks. Luke slumps down on a chair at the table and he shakes his head. Scott chuckles. He takes two glasses in a cupboard, and pours sparkling water into them, adding two ice cubes. “Here,” he says. Luke isn’t hungry, but he finds out he could really use some water, and he takes one of the glasses with both hands. The cold liquid runs down his throat and he shivers. Scott watches him. He starts cutting an apple into thin slices and puts them in front of Luke. Luke really doesn’t want to eat but he knows it would be better if he did, so he forces himself to chew four of the little slices of fruit. “So, what happened?” Scott asks when he’s finished. Luke breathes in.

                He tells him how they went to the bar first thing when they arrived at the club, how Jake disappeared, how Calum couldn’t stop drinking, how Nathan warned him, how he ended up drinking almost as much as his boyfriend, how their friends had to drag them to the car, how Finn drove them back home, and how he woke up sick this morning. “I should call Finn to thank him,” Luke says at the end. “And Calum too, to check he’s alright.”

                “Oh, he is,” Scott laughs. “That is, he’s in the same state as you, Jamie is at his place,” he says.

                “How do you know all of that?” Luke whimpers.

                “Phones,” Scott replies, showing his to Luke, shaking it before his eyes.

                Luke groans. “I’m going back to bed.”

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

                His strange taste for drinking isn’t the only one of Calum’s issues Luke has to face up to. As July slips away and August begins, the weather grows even hotter and even more oppressive. Calum’s mood follows. So far Luke has spent a little more than three weeks with him, and it has been really entertaining. When he’s sober – or not too drunk – Calum is a genuinely sweet boy, clumsy, possessive yet gentle, and Luke likes him a lot, even after so little time. Their afternoons at the beach and their nights out to a cinema in the nearest city are really pleasant. And there’s also what happens in the bedroom. Or somewhere else.

                Days, months pass and their relationship still lasts, to Luke’s joy. Autumn holidays come, and since in that part of the country, the southern warmth stays all year, it’s not really different from summer. In October, Luke’s got to know the young man’s friends better, from Jamie, the funny, average nice boy, who gets along really well with Jake, to Clive, the silent tall guy, who’s actually a big comics fan, or Nathan, the friendliest of them. Even Aaron, the Jeremy Renner look-alike turns out to be quite a cool guy, even though he’s not with the group as often as the others, since he spends a lot of time with his cousins too. The best about all of them is that they never – that is, _seldom_ – pick up on Luke and Calum for sneaking out from time to time to have a private moment.

                But at the end of the first week, something Luke hasn’t seen, something that he didn’t notice and couldn’t have noticed seems to happen, and the fights begin.

                At first, it’s only a heated discussion over how late they will be coming back from the movies, or how sometimes one of them takes more than two hours to text back. Luke has experienced this a lot of times with Scott, or Lyn and Peter, his other friends from the city. It doesn’t worry him much. But then the arguments come. Mostly about Calum’s drinking, this time. The first time Luke screams at him, they are in a bar on the beach and the fourth glass of martini Calum orders, or rather the effect of it, is starting to draw eyes on the two of them. Luke has to pay for everything, and push him out of the bar after apologizing. And Calum has the guts to be mad at him for doing it and blaming him for making him feel sick. “I _hate_ you!”

                When Luke calls him an alcoholic, he doesn’t _mean_ it. But it still hits home. And while Calum stands on the pavement, dumbstruck, Luke walks away as fast as he can.

                It doesn’t last long and barely an hour later he’s calling Calum, almost in tears, apologizing again and again and Calum is running to his place and they’re hugging and kissing. Calum’s lips still taste like his drinks, but Luke decides not to care about it and he wraps his arms around his neck and leads him to his bed.

                However, it’s only the first time they slip, and every time it happens again, they get closer and closer to falling for real. Once, twice, thrice more, Luke and Calum argue openly in front of their friends, and the last time, Scott and Clive have to hold them back to prevent them from coming to blows. For a mysterious reason, Calum can turn into such an arrogant and aggressive person that it just makes Luke’s blood boil. And even though they always realize their mistakes and come back to each other at the end of the day, the tension doesn’t really ever drop.

                There’s a subject Luke knows betterthan to talk about, and it’s Calum’s parents. The young man will shut off every time Luke mentions them even in the most indirect way. Luke has no idea why. His own parents are modest but happy people, and he’s never met anyone before who had issues with his or hers. Actually, he knows that money doesn’t buy happiness and surely can’t buy affection either, but with all the gifts Calum gets from his parents, from his car to his phone and the money for the apartment he rents, he wonders how the situation can be as it is. But okay, okay, he doesn’t talk about it.

                Until the day Calum literally gets a call from his mother while they’re cuddling together on his bed. On the bedside table, Calum’s glass of beer sits still, almost empty. Curious, Luke makes no sound, trying to overhear Calum’s mother’s voice. When he picks up the phone, Calum turns slightly pale. During the call, all he says is ‘yes’, ‘no’, and ‘very well’. And Luke can’t even hear his mother. Calum hangs up after a few minutes, and he gets off the bed, standing in the middle of the room, unmoving. Luke sits up. “What was it about?” he asks. Calum doesn’t reply. Getting up, the blonde-haired boy walks to him. “If you want to talk about it…”

                Calum’s reply is clear enough. “No.”

                Luke was about to put his hand on the young man’s shoulder and he takes it back. Instead, he walks around, without really knowing what to do. “Look, I know there’s a problem, and maybe it would do you good to just…open up – ”

                _“Open up?”_ Calum repeats. “What the hell? Am I a fucking shell to you?!” he asks incredulously, looking at Luke with wide eyes. Luke swallows with difficulty and he steps back. Calum’s hands ball up in frustrated fists.

                “I was just saying…” Luke begins.

                “You were just saying. You were just saying!” Calum mocks, always repeating after him. “I don’t care what you’re saying!” he laughs, and it sounds slightly insane.

                “I thought I could help,” Luke spits back, hurt and vexed.

                “Well, you thought wrong,” Calum retorts.

                A minute or two of silence follow his words. Luke’s leaning against the wall, unable to look up at Calum. Calum still stands in the middle of the room. It’s hot. Luke’s heart can’t stop thumping. He has a bad feeling about this. Dreading the moment when Calum will explode if he does, he clears his throat. “Calum…”

                “Don’t fucking start again,” Calum warns.

                “Really, I…”

                “Don’t.”

                “…think we could have a talk about this…”

                “Don’t…”

                “Or if it’s not with me, it could be with your friends…”

                “Don’t start – ”

                “I’m sure Clive would listen. Or Nate…”

                “Luke.”

                “What’s wrong with y – ”

                That’s when Calum explodes. “I fucking warned you!” he shouts, getting closer to Luke.

                Luke starts at the sudden outburst. “I…”

                “Stop asking questions, stop trying to make me talk,” Calum hisses, fisting Luke’s shirt.

                Luke is on tiptoes, pulled up by Calum. And suddenly, anger replaces his fright. “I think I know what’s wrong between your parents and you! They hate you because you’re a fucking asshole! Oh, wait – maybe that’s also because you drink so much!” he yells, and at each word he lets out, Calum’s face turns whiter and whiter and his fingers clench him tighter and tighter.

                “You…” Calum begins, and he’s about to grab Luke’s arm, but Luke is quicker and he gathers all his strength to send a punch flying to the young man’s jaw. Calum lets go of his shirt and he stumbles backwards in the room, clutching his face. But in a couple of seconds he looks up again, and this time, Luke’s blood runs cold as ice. Because the way Calum is looking at him is probably one of the most frightening things he’s ever seen. Calum comes to him again and Luke remains frozen against the wall. He can’t even try to escape. Calum’s fingers close once more around the fabric of his shirt, and other hand is up in the air. Until he hits Luke.

                It’s a sharp, dry slap. It rings so clear and so loud in the room that Luke thinks Calum hit something else than his cheek. Yet, he didn’t. The blow is so violent that Luke’s temple hits the wall. But he doesn’t cry out. He’s so startled he can’t make a sound. Calum is still holding his shirt tight, but at each second, his grip loosens up a little more. Luke doesn’t move. He stares at the floor. The pain only comes later, long after the emotional shock. His cheek burns as if it were on fire. Slowly, he raises his hand to his face, and at the same time, he looks up at Calum.

                Calum looks as shocked as him, if not even more. Luke sees right away that he regrets it. He regrets hitting him and he regrets everything before that. He’s ashamed and he can’t believe he did it. But he says nothing. They face each other for a long time, Calum white as a sheet and Luke with his scarlet cheek, until the blonde-haired boy pushes him away softly. Calum doesn’t fight back. Silently, Luke picks his bag up off the floor, puts on his shoes, he walks to the door of the apartment, opens it, and closes it behind him quietly.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

                The tears come when Luke gets back home. He has no idea what to do. Sleep sounds like the best idea because it would allow him to shut his eyes to what he doesn’t wish to see, however cowardly it would be. A shower would surely wash his thoughts away. But finally, the only acceptable solution comes to him and he makes a decision. Collapsing on a chair, Luke takes his mobile phone and dials Scott’s number. He feels so ashamed, especially when he thinks about how disappointed his friend will be. Before Scott picks up the phone, Luke manages to regain his composure and to prevent his voice from shaking like a leaf in the wind. He takes a deep breath in. “Luke?” Scott says at the other end of the line.

                And Luke dissolves into tears.

                _“Oh no, fuck no,”_ Scott swears. _“Are you at home?”_ he asks. Between his sobs, Luke manages to slip a wet ‘yes’. _“I’m coming, stay where you are,”_ Scott says. Luke’s thoughts are so thick and heavy that by the time Scott gets to his studio flat, he still hasn’t figured anything out. And he still hasn’t stopped crying. It’s a bit embarrassing, he thinks. Scott may be his closest friend, but he doesn’t feel truly comfortable crying in front of him. Other matters worry him more, though. “It’s okay, it’s okay little guy,” Scott says when he steps in. He walks Luke to the sofa and they sit down side by side. He waits for Luke to calm down, for two, five, eight, ten minutes. “What happened?” he asks then. Somehow, Luke has a feeling he already knows. But he still speaks up.

                “His mother called. He has issues with his parents and I tried to make him talk about it. He hit me,” he says, surprisingly quietly. “I hit him too,” he adds quickly. Scott sighs and he wraps his arm around his shoulders to comfort him. “I think he hates me,” Luke laughs bitterly.

                “That’s not true,” Scott says. “Everyone always jokes about the way he looks at you like you’re his favorite thing in the world.”

                “You’re lying,” Luke replies.

                His friend shakes his head. “No, I’m not,” he chuckles. He squeezes Luke’s shoulder. “Everyone fights from time to time, you know. Okay, you’ve been fighting for a week or two, but it will be over soon. Call him to apologize and he’ll do the same,” he says.

                “I won’t,” Luke blurts. “I don’t want to apologize.”

                To this, Scott says nothing.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

                The following week is one of silence. Calum doesn’t call Luke. Luke doesn’t call Calum. No matter how many times Scott tells him he should. The only interesting news Luke gets is a letter from his mother telling him his work placement request in Los Angeles was accepted and he’s going in two weeks. Luke spends most of his days at home, moaning and wailing like a little girl. He didn’t think it would be like that. He didn’t think his fight with Calum would have struck him so hard and yet it has, it has, very much. He only goes out once, two days later, to buy food, but he returns straight away. His friends seem to like Calum’s friends a lot and they’re always together. Luke doesn’t want to face them. He doesn’t want to face anybody. Scott is okay. No, he’s great. Luke is thankful. But still, no nights out.

                No nights out, until the following week, the last week of October, when his friend tells him he doesn’t want to see him rot in his studio flat any longer. He comes to Luke’s place, makes him have a shower and dress nicely. “We’re going to the club,” he smiles. “Ella will be there,” he adds. Ella is Scott’s girlfriend of six months. She had planned long before he and Luke to spend her holidays here with two of her friends, and that’s partially why Scott came too, and Luke and Jake with him. Luke would gladly have left Jake in the city, but since he’s dating one of Ella’s friends… Luke shakes it away. He doesn’t want to go. The club reminds him of Calum, and not his most beautiful side. And worse, what if he meets him there? “That’s ridiculous, why would he come on the same night as us?” Scott smiles. “Come on.”

                Luke slips into a random shirt and the first pair of jeans he finds, and drags himself after Scott, out of his studio flat. Their friends are waiting for them in the car, but without Calum and Jamie’s group. Luke is a bit sad. He would have liked to see Nathan to tell him how right he was that one night. When he gets in, Ashton, Michael and Finn grin at him, supportive. Even Jake cracks a smile. “Ready to have fun?” Finn asks, as joyful as ever. Luke finds himself laughing.

                It’s a little earlier than the last time they went here when they arrive, and the club isn’t as crowded. Luke is actually glad he came, he knows it’s going to cheer him up. After all, they’re going back to the city in two days, and then, there will be Los Angeles. Briefly, Luke thinks that he probably won’t even see Calum again. But he shakes his head, and forces himself not to think about it. Tonight, he’s going to feel good. When they go inside, he’s back with the heavy bass, the smell of heat, the dark walls and the blue lights. Luke dances.

                Ella joins them with her friends about ten minutes later. Luke knows her well. She’s a thin, small girl with skin as pale as Scott’s is tanned. Her hair is woven in a loose braid, falling across her shoulder. She beams at Luke brightly. Her two friends are just as pretty as her, and Jake’s girlfriend embraces the young man and holds him so tight that both Ashton and Michael pretend to be puking. It makes Luke smile. He feels nothing when he sees Jake in his girlfriend’s arms, and that makes him strangely happy. He tells Finn he’s going to get a drink and walks to the bar alone.

                Luke has never believed in fate or anything of that sort. He’s got quite a rational mind, and pure chance is the closest to miracles he wants to get. Even when he won the lottery in middle school, he knew that it was simply because the number on his ticket was the one in a hundred, and it was just maths. Even when he noticed his phone number contained his date of birth, he knew that the numbers had just been selected randomly, and that it meant nothing. Even when, even when… Well, Luke has never believed in fate. But when he sits at the bar, turns to his left mechanically and sees Calum staring at him with eyes the size of the moon, he wants to yell _I want a refund, my life is full to bursting of fate! Give me my money back!_

                But Calum is here.

                Luke’s first reaction is to jump off his seat and run away, but the barman calls him back with a shout. Shamefully, Luke goes back to the counter and pays for his drink, but as soon as he has, he escapes without drinking it. He’s searching for places to go. He can’t leave the club because Jake drove them here again and he doesn’t have the keys and anyway he can’t leave them all here. He can’t walk out because it’s still the countryside and everything is dark out there. And there’s no way he’s staying in the middle of the crowd. Luke hopes for the toilets not to be full of people because he seriously thinks he’s going to suffocate.

                When he finds the toilets empty, he thinks that finally, he can have some quiet time. But then the door behind him opens, and his heart sinks. Luke turns around. Calum is standing under the door frame, red cheeks, looking stunned. “You’re really here,” he says, out of breath. Luke swallows and he steps back. Calum hesitates. But finally, he steps in, closes the door behind him, and locks it. Luke looks away. The toilets are just as dark as the rest of the club, with midnight blue tiling and tiny lights sprinkled here and there. There are two sinks, wide, on a flat surface, tiled as well, with a large mirror behind. Luke can see himself in it and he knows that even a fool would notice how terrified he looks. “Luke…” Calum begins low.

                Luke shakes his head quickly. His eyes are stuck on his shoes. That’s just so wrong. He wants to run away. “Please leave,” he replies.

                “I want to apologize,” Calum says. “For shouting, for drinking too much. For being, well, an asshole,” he smiles bitterly. “And for hitting you. I shouldn’t have. Never, ever.” He sighs deeply. “You don’t have to forgive me, but I just wanted you to know.”

                “It’s fine,” Luke hears himself say. “It’s fine, I forgive you.” He doesn’t stop staring at his shoes, and his heart beats faster and faster. “You’re still an asshole but I forgive you. I…” he trails off. Calum steps closer to him, prudently, as if he were scared Luke might run away. Luke doesn’t look up. He bites his lip nervously. Oh, how he would love it if someone walked into the toilets right now. He could take advantage of it to leave. But the door is locked. No one will come. Calum says nothing. He looks like he’s waiting. Luke decides to look up. And suddenly he remembers why he loved Calum.

                Calum seems to come to the same realization as him because suddenly his hands reach for Luke’s face and he pulls him into a long kiss. Luke’s eyes close by themselves and he stands there frozen, stiff as a post. He smells Calum’s fragrance once again, of leather, of grapefruit shower gel and sweat, with a hint of alcohol. Calum’s hands touch him clumsily, shaking, neck, shoulders, waist, just like before. Luke feels like nothing has changed. It’s crazy to be so dramatic for a relationship he’s only been in for barely more than three months, but his heart seems to be about to explode.

                “I missed you,” Calum says low.

                _I missed you too_ , Luke wants to say. “It was only one week,” he says. Calum chuckles. Emotions and feelings come rushing back to Luke, and he doesn’t really control what he’s doing. All he knows is that his hands are running through Calum’s dark hair, that Calum is still kissing him and that it feels good. And the next second, Calum presses him between his body and the wall, and Luke feels him start to rock his hips. Luke doesn’t want this. Or rather, he shouldn’t want this. Calum sounds honest and sincere, but there’s no doubt that it won’t stop anything from happening. If there hadn’t been the alcohol, or the moods, it may have worked. Luke knows it won’t. But he just can’t help. A part of him wants to push Calum away and to scream he doesn’t want it, but the rest of his mind tells him he does…

                Luke finally finds an acceptable excuse, just when Calum picks him up, carries him to the surface between the sinks and puts him down, chest against the tiling. _One last time_ , he says to himself. _That’s just one last time, and it doesn’t mean anything._ Luke’s fingers tense up on the dark blue tiles as Calum presses kisses on the back of his neck. He can even see him, in the mirror, inches from his face. Calum’s dark hair seems to twinkle with the tiny lights of the room. Luke doesn’t want to look. It’s not the right time and absolutely not the right place to have sex with Calum, but he clings to his poor excuse and shuts his eyes.

                Calum is hardening against his butt and Luke’s own jeans suddenly feel really right. The edge of the surface he’s on presses on his crotch. When Calum starts undressing him, pulling his pants and his underwear down his legs, Luke’s breath hitches. It doesn’t feel bad, just…weird, and a little frightening. Then the young man starts rubbing his clothed erection against him, letting out loud moans and sighs. Luke is actually glad the club has heavy music. After a while, the rough fabric of Calum’s clothing starts to hurt his skin and he begs him to stop. As a response, Calum unzips his jeans and he strokes himself a few times. “I don’t have anything,” he says low. Luke hopes that sex without a lubed condom doesn’t hurt.

                Calum seems to be in such a hurry that he pushes right away two fingers into Luke’s entrance. Luke winces. It hurts, after a week without him. Calum’s fingers slide in and out of him quickly, and sometimes the tips of them brush Luke’s prostate and he gasps. He’s only starting to notice that the tiling under him is wet with splashes from the sinks, and it makes his shirt stick to his chest obnoxiously. Luke decides to focus on what Calum is doing to him instead. It’s as if he hadn’t touched him in months when it’s only been seven days. Having him again feels like an electric shock, and suddenly Luke remembers another night, the one in the amusement park, their rushed love-making on the backseat of Calum’s car.

                Calum sounds like he cannot wait any longer. He keeps whimpering in frustration. Luke nods quickly to tell him that’s enough, and Calum takes his fingers out of him. His hands rest on Luke’s hips, thumbs digging softly into the sensitive area at the bottom of his spine. Luke’s bare feet are far from being steady, on the cold floor. When Calum thrusts himself inside him, a cry leaves Luke’s lips. It’s painful, rough, but it’s completely different to _feel_ Calum in him instead of a layer of lubed latex. Calum is already moving a little, hesitantly, bringing Luke to him repeatedly.

                Calum fucks him hard and fast, and Luke swears he’s seldom felt his heart beat like this. It seems to make his entire body start. He takes his head off the tiled surface, and ends up leaning on his forearms, facing the wide mirror. He looks at Calum, and finds Calum looking at him. Luke looks away. But what he saw in the mirror is engraved in his head and he can’t get it out. Calum looked messy. Flushed cheeks, sweat pearling on his temples. But it’s what was in his eyes that struck Luke. He recalls Scott telling him Calum looked at him like he was his favorite thing in the world. And for the first time, he thinks that maybe, it’s a little bit true.

                Luke still dreads the moment when someone will really want to use the bathroom and instead of walking away and searching for another one when they find the door locked, will knock and call and ask questions. And as if it was he who had triggered it, the door handle shakes and moves up and down repeatedly. _“It’s locked,”_ he hears, but with the music outside, he’s not that certain. Calum seems to have noticed too. Someone is knocking on the door, asking if there’s someone inside and if there’s a problem. Luke stares at his own reflection in the mirror, at the fright painted on his features. But Calum lets out a long groan and he shouts, “Out of order!” The knocks and the calls stop. Luke closes his eyes again. He just can’t believe it.

                Feeling Calum thrust in him brings him such intense sensations that he thinks he’s going to come before he can even blink. The way Calum fills him up is making him dizzy. “Gonna come,” he lets out, and Calum fondles his waist affectionately. Luke shudders. Three or four more strokes are enough and he is sent moaning and clenching as he releases over his chest and over the blue tiles, forgetting about most of the things surrounding him for a little while. Faintly, he hears Calum stammer his name when he comes inside him, and as he feels the warm liquid trickle down the inside of his thighs, Luke nibbles at his lip, wondering whether it actually felt good.

                He rests his cheek against the tiling, trying to breathe normally again. Calum is right behind him. They stand there silent for several minutes, until Calum picks Luke up and sits him down between the two sinks. It feels cold against Luke’s bare skin. From below, Calum looks at him, and Luke looks back at him. He thinks Calum looks handsome, even more than usual. Wincing slightly at the pain in his lower back, Luke wraps his legs around Calum’s hips and pulls him close, kissing his lips softly. “I missed you,” Calum says once again. This time, Luke doesn’t reply and he inhales the scent of his hair and his skin, sadly noticing that not even an embrace can wash away the drinks from him. They linger like sticky dirt. “When are you going home?” the young man asks.

                The more Luke comes back to reality, the less he wants to stay with Calum. “In two days,” he says a bit curtly.

                Calum doesn’t seem to notice. “I want to be with you,” he whispers, nuzzling Luke’s neck.

                “I’m moving. To Los Angeles,” Luke cuts.

                Now, Calum freezes. He pulls away from Luke and gives him a long, puzzled look. “When?”

                “In a week and a half.”

                “For how long?”

                “Six months,” Luke answers, looking at the floor.

                Calum’s silence is full of surprise, of disappointment, sadness, betrayal, shame, but above all full of guilt. “It’s my fault, isn’t it?” he asks after an eternity.

                “No,” Luke says unwillingly. “I got a work placement,” he explains. Calum nods without a word. “I’m sorry. This wasn’t right,” Luke murmurs. “We weren’t right. I think it’s better if we stop here.” He looks up at Calum, and expects him to be furious, but the young man only gazes at him sadly. Briefly, Luke feels like he’s just stabbed his heart with a dagger and he’s never felt so ashamed. Calum’s eyes water. Then he walks out at a painful, slow pace, and he doesn’t even slam the door.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna be real clear - some stuff happens with Calum's parents in this fic. OF COURSE this has NOTHING to do with Calum's real parents who, I am sure, are lovely people. I hope you won't think I dislike anyone when you read the fourth and fifth chapters.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke leaves and comes back and stuff has changed.

 

 

                Luke leaves his hometown for Los Angeles with lingering sadness and a great sense of loss. He gets on the plane early in the morning, a week and a half after the nightclub events. He’s said goodbye to everyone, from his family to his friends Scott, Lyn and Peter. He has never liked leaving a place behind, even for holidays, because it always frightens him that he might have forgotten something there. Thus, going away from home for six long months feels a little like diving into a frozen lake. He’s scared he won’t find the hole in the ice to get back out of the water. Still, he’s gathered his things, made sure he will have a place to sleep when he arrives in Los Angeles, and confirmed the time when his work placement starts. And just as planned, the plane lands at the airport on time, and Luke has arrived. A part of him wishes he hadn’t left.

                Luke left the countryside and went back to the city two days after the last time he saw Calum. Since then, neither of them has called or contacted the other in any way. Luke misses him a lot, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. But he knows it was the right thing to do, especially as they’ll be living so far away from each other. Luke wonders if Calum is still drinking himself to death at the moment. He finds out that he pities him. The first days he spends in Los Angeles, Luke goes in search of a studio flat not too far from the place where he’ll be working, to avoid spending too many days at the hotel. He finally finds one, in a simple building, not too dirty and not too expensive, which he decides to rent for the moment, until he finds something better.

                During all the years he spent at school, Luke didn’t know what he wanted to do for a living. Nothing really appealed to him, even though he was quite a good student. He found literature interesting but didn’t wish to be a journalist or a teacher; he liked science classes but was certain he wouldn’t stand working with that type of knowledge all his life. He’d been told he would do great in economy, in law or all of that, but in the end, he’d been to a business school like all the others who didn’t know what to do, and there he is now. Not the most fascinating stuff, but at least, he’s almost certain he’ll find a stable job when the time comes.

                Luke’s work placement goes excellently well, and he surely would have got hired in the company if he hadn’t wanted to leave Los Angeles so much. Luke loathes this city. It’s so huge, so busy… And there’s something else, which he cannot quite put into words, that makes him feel uneasy. Every single day he spends there, Luke wishes he were back in his hometown. However, he does meet nice people. Katelyn and William, both born in L.A, and Anna from Germany and Charlie from Ireland. Once, for one week, Scott and Ella visit him. They’re on holiday and Ella has always wanted to see Los Angeles. Seeing them is like a breath of fresh wind to Luke. It makes him wish even more that he could come back earlier.

                But six months, although they may seem like they will never end, pass quickly, after all. Luke is greeted in his hometown by a cool month of May. And he settles down again, much happier than before. That’s when Scott comes to see him one afternoon, but not with Ella. With Nate. It doesn’t puzzle Luke or anything, but when he starts to ask how everyone has been – Ashton and Michael and Finn, Clive and Aaron and Jamie and even Jake, he doesn’t dare say the last of the names. It seems to refuse to touch his lips. Nate and Scott exchange a nervous glance and Luke frowns. “Did something happen?” He knows Finn was very sick during the winter, but he got better quickly.

                “Everyone is fine,” Scott says, drumming a complicated rhythm on the table with his fingers.

                “Yeah, totally,” Nathan completes.

                “That is…”

                “Uh, yes, that’s true…”

                “Maybe we should…”

                “Tell you…”

                “It’s not something big,” Scott assures him.

                “Don’t worry,” Nate adds.

                “We just…”

                “Think you should know.”

                Luke starts to find this fast dialogue a bit shady. “What’s the matter?” he asks with a frown.

                “Well, I didn’t tell you when I visited you with Ella in February, but Calum…” Scott begins. As soon as he hears the young man’s name, Luke shudders. “He’s been calling everyone in the group in the past six months, especially Nate and me, to – to ask about you,” his friend says. He’s usually so calm and supportive even in the most stressful situations that seeing him frown and look away makes Luke feel anxious. “He wanted to know how you were, where you were staying, what you were up to, why you weren’t calling him. I told him you were fine but I didn’t say where you lived, I didn’t want him to…do stupid stuff. “I mean, what if he’d come? Did I do the right thing?” Scott asks.

                Luke looks at him and at Nate, who’s biting his lip. “Yeah…yeah, you did,” he answers hesitantly. “You did the right thing – I think…”

                “Er…” Nate says low, looking weird. He adjusts his glasses on his nose, only for them to slide back down in the same position as before. “Also…” He swallows, and Scott looks at him briefly and he shakes his head. Nathan looks like he would like to be anywhere but here. “There was the crash.”

                “The crash?” Luke asks emotionlessly.

                “He had a car crash. Two weeks ago,” Nathan whimpers very fast, as if he wanted the words to disappear. Luke stares at him without a sound. He doesn’t even know what to feel. “He wasn’t hurt – not much, just a broken wrist, but…he had drunk before. And he was arrested. He was just a tiny bit over the legal limit so they let him go, but he can’t drive his car anymore for the moment and…” Nate trails off.

                Scott finishes for him. “It’s making him insane,” he says.

                Luke can perfectly imagine what an insane Calum is like. “Does he…does he know I’m here?” he asks shakily.

                Nate shrugs and shakes his head sadly. “I have no idea. The two of us, we didn’t tell him, for sure, but maybe Jamie did. But anyway Calum must have known you were coming back after six months,” he says. Luke can only say he’s right. He told Calum himself about how long his work placement was. For a short instant, the fear is back, the fear of Calum’s blows and of the light in his eyes when he’s angry. Then it fades and Luke feels pity again. He feels sad for Calum, twenty-four-year-old Calum who’s already addicted to drinking. He doesn’t really know whether he misses him. When he arrived in Los Angeles, he sure did, but now… What his friends are telling him is frightening.

                “What do you think I should do?” Luke asks finally.

                Scott gives him one of his long, warm looks. “Do what you think is best. Maybe you should see him and tell him to stop harassing us,” he chuckles. “Tell him to stop thinking about you. Or give him another chance. Or don’t even speak to him. I really don’t know,” he says. Luke laughs a little sadly. Talking to Calum again after six months will be painful, he knows it. But at the same time, how else could he put an end to everything for good? While Scott, Nate and he have lunch, he thinks about it in the back of his mind, and he finally concludes that’s what he’ll do. He will call Calum, set up a meeting, see in what state he is, and make a decision then.

                Luke’s fingers are trembling when he takes his mobile phone the next morning. It’s the last week of May, the days are getting longer and sunnier, clothes are starting to go with the wind. Calum’s number has been in his contacts since the day they met at the Luna Park, but Luke hasn’t used it in months now. He’s afraid. It rings, several times, and Luke’s heart seems to be full to bursting. Luke is about to give up and hang up, when suddenly, he hears a voice. _“Luke? Is that you?...”_ Calum sounds shaken, maybe even more than Luke.

                “Yeah,” Luke answers after a while. “I – I wanted to know if you were well.” He doesn’t mention the car crash, thinking it might make Calum angry. The young man doesn’t reply right away. “I’m back from Los Angeles,” Luke says timidly.

                _“I know,”_ Calum says. _“What do you want?”_ he adds. Suddenly, he sounds distrustful, hurt.

                “Maybe we could have lunch somewhere in town and clarify a few things,” Luke replies. “I mean…”

                _“I don’t want to go have lunch,”_ Calum cuts. His voice is shaking.

                “Right,” Luke says slowly. “Dinner, maybe?”

                Calum says nothing for a minute. _“Okay,”_ he answers in the end.

                “Then let’s meet in the street of the music school at eight and we’ll look for a nice place.”

_“Fine.”_

                Luke puts the phone down with a quivering heart. He hopes that inviting Calum to dine out wasn’t a bad idea. He really does.

                At about twenty to eight, Luke leaves his apartment and he gets going. To go to the city center, he chooses to take the bus. He walks to the stop. It’s a fresh but cloudless night, the sky is starting to turn a darker shade of blue. During the ride, Luke fumbles with his keys and his phone in his pocket nervously. Will Calum have changed? Luke starts to imagine dreadful scenarios, many of which involve him having to deal with a drunken Calum at the end of the night. He gets off the bus shuddering, and walks towards the music school. It’s one of the main streets of the city, with many restaurants, shops and banks. It’s five to eight. Luke sits on a bench awkwardly, and he waits.

                Calum sees Luke before Luke sees him. One second, the blonde-haired boy was deep in thought, watching a dog on the opposite pavement absently, and the next, Calum is standing in front of him, straight, unmoving. Luke looks up with a start. And seeing Calum hits him like a blow. The young man is just as tall as six months ago, his hair is just as dark and his skin just as golden. He’s wearing jeans but no jacket and on his bare arms, Luke sees a dozen bruises, faded to yellow with time, and his left wrist is wrapped in a tight bandage. “Hi,” he says casually. Or rather, trying to be. He looks uncomfortable. But when Luke says hi back with a grin, something happens and it’s so surprising and _heart-breaking_ that Luke can’t help but stare at him without a word. Calum _smiles_. Suddenly his sullen face shatters like a mask and he brightens up so much and he looks so _happy_ to see Luke –

                “How are you?” Luke asks low. He’s still sitting, unable to find strength to stand.

                “Fine,” Calum says. They’re silent for a minute or two, pretending to look at something in the street but glancing at each other from time to time. “Are we going?” Calum says then. Luke rises to his feet, hoping he won’t collapse. Calum and he walk side by side on the pavement, looking for a place to have dinner. They finally settle for a quiet and pretty restaurant in a little paved courtyard, where they can eat outside. Luke has a jacket and he’s okay, but Calum doesn’t have one. Though he says that it’s fine, he won’t be cold. They sit down at a table and a waitress brings them the menu, but Luke doesn’t really focus on it. Calum grins clumsily. Luke is not fooled. Even from his chair, across the table, he smells the faint trace of whisky on Calum’s clothes and Calum’s skin and Calum’s everything. It saddens him to see he’s moved to something stronger.

                “So, what have you been up to?” he asks to forget about it.

                Calum shrugs and rubs the back of his neck. “Nothing much,” he answers evasively. “What about…you?”

                “My work placement went very well, I’m glad about it,” Luke says, going for honesty. “I’ll probably find a job soon, with all the recommendations.” He chuckles. “It’s nice to be back. I didn’t like Los Angeles much.”

                “I know,” Calum says, and he adds hastily, “I mean, it’s such a big city…”

                Luke looks at him curiously and he starts to wonder whether Scott and Nate maybe weren’t a little too nice to Calum. “Indeed,” he replies. The waitress comes back to take their orders, and they move away from the subject. All evening, Luke sees how hard Calum tries to be a pleasant guest, a cheerful friend. Friend? He also sees how Calum orders a bottle of wine and it ends up empty when Luke only drank one glass. Calum leaves the restaurant with flushed cheeks but still a clear mind, fortunately. Luke doesn’t have the heart to make a remark. They stroll in the streets for about a quarter of an hour, then Calum offers him to have a drink at his place. Luke hesitates. He knows a drink doesn’t mean _more_ than a drink anymore, but with Calum, drinks are worrying. But in the end, he accepts, and he’s rewarded by Calum’s delighted face.

                Since Calum still can’t drive – they didn’t talk about it, though – they have to walk to his apartment. It’s closer to the center than Luke’s, so taking the bus wouldn’t be useful. They walk slowly, and Calum still gives everything he’s got to maintain an entertaining conversation. He seems happy to hear anything Luke has to say, anything. That’s what has changed in him, it can’t be missed. His lively, almost show-off side has faded. Luke doesn’t know if it’s a good thing. Calum doesn’t look sad. But he sounds sad. They reach his apartment quite quickly. It’s in a street full of trees, in a small building. Really quiet. One of the wealthiest areas of the town, actually. They step along a little alley lined with flowers, and Calum keys in the code to open the glass door at the entrance. He lives on the highest floor.

                The building is small, but the apartments are huge. Each of them takes the space of the entire floor. Calum’s is airy, with only white walls and wooden furniture, and soft lights. Luke finds it quite nice. Calum takes his jacket and hangs it on the coat hanger, then he leads him to the living-room. Luke closes his eyes for a few seconds to calm down when he sees the bar because how much of a stupid idea is it to have left Calum in an apartment with a bar? An enormous one. An enormous, stupid, idea. Calum offers him different kinds of drinks and Luke settles for the lightest one, although it’s difficult to choose. Calum pours it into a pretty glass and hands it to him with a small smile, then he takes another one, with whisky. Luke wasn’t mistaken.

                “You live in a nice place,” Luke says politely. Calum smiles. They sit and stand there for a while, not talking much. It’s dark outside now. Luke starts to think the night went quite well, in fact. Calum’s behavior at the restaurant was perfect, he acted like a simple friend, no words about their relationship were said… That’s more than he had hoped for. But then he sees Calum pouring himself another glass and he interrupts. “Hey, don’t you think that’s a lot of drinks in one night?” he asks, trying his hand at a friendly teasing tone, but it comes out as nervous and reproachful. Calum turns towards Luke with a start, and puts the bottle down. He looks guilty. “I mean…I was just…” Luke stammers.

                “I know,” Calum says. His attempt at a cheerful act is gone. He looks at the floor, leaning against the wall, and says nothing else.

                “Do you still…” Luke begins, leaving his question open.

                “Still what?” Calum replies a bit harshly.

                “You still drink,” Luke whispers, keeping his eyes on his knees to avoid meeting Calum’s. No reply comes from the young man. He’s still standing in the same spot. Luke looks up after a minute or two, and his heart aches. Calum is crying softly. Luke gets up as fast as he can and puts his glass down on the table, going to Calum’s side to comfort him. “I’m sorry,” he says low. “I’m sorry.” He wraps his arm around Calum’s shoulders and he cradles him and Calum regains his composure with difficulty. Then he raises his glass to his lips and downs his drink in one. Luke opens his eyes wide and he takes it from him quickly, even if it’s already too late.

                “That’s why you left me, isn’t it?” Calum says.

                 “Oh no, Calum…” Luke murmurs. “Here,” he adds. He walks Calum to the sofa, and they sit down side by side. “Tell me.”

                And Calum tells him everything.

                His parents are well-off people, but it didn’t prevent them from having had a drinking problem for years and years. Both of them. Calum remembers when he was barely ten, his mother would be drinking glasses of wine all day, casually, every time she had something to do. It’s said that alcoholism is hereditary, that children born of parents with a drinking problem are more likely to grow up to become addicted to alcohol. That’s most probably what happened to Calum. It started at about seventeen, he says. At first, it was only beer from time to time, on days when his parents were coming back a little late from work. It used to relax him and to make him feel less nervous. Then the big parties began in college, and with them the occasions to get wasted. Surprisingly, no hangover would stop him from drinking again the following time.

                 Calum tells him that it really began to spiral down when he graduated from college and bought his own apartment instead of living  with a roommate. There, he was free to stroll around with a can of beer or a glass of wine in his hand without being looked at weirdly. Of course, the more he drank, the more he would need to drink to feel the same effects, because his tolerance kept increasing. And after a year, the withdrawal was there.

                 “I feel sick when I don’t drink,” Calum says. “Physically – it’s like, it’s like something’s missing.” He’s never really been fully sober since those days. But back then, he still used to think it wasn’t an addiction, that the cause of his problems was nowhere close to alcohol. Calum confesses he only realized it was when he met him. It was a painful truth to look at. He apologizes for having been such a terrible person, for being mad when Luke mentioned his parents. “It’s just that…we’re so alike, I’ve become such an identical person as them that they can’t stand me and I can’t stand them. They see the same flaws as theirs growing in me, and I see in them what I’ll become.”

                “Have you tried to…” Luke begins. Calum laughs bitterly. Yes, he’s tried to stop, several times. But it made him feel so nauseous, so _sick_ , that he couldn’t, he just couldn’t. He couldn’t stop. Even after he skipped school days because he was too drunk to go, even after the car accident.

                “I had the crash because I was drunk but…” Calum says, and his voice breaks and it’s one of the most painful sounds Luke has ever heard. “It didn’t change anything. And I’ve been banned from driving. I could have killed someone,” Calum finishes very fast before the tears drown his words. Luke fondles his shoulder, hoping to soothe him. Calum’s sobs shake him gently. Luke waits, patiently, until it stops. He’s forgotten everything about his fear of Calum. This is not the aggressive boy he knew. Calum seems to only have turned sadder and sadder during those six months. And Luke thinks that’s it’s partly his fault.

                When Calum has stopped crying, Luke makes him look up and he speaks to him seriously, quietly. “This is an issue that needs to be solved, okay? It’s important. You can’t go on like that forever. You know what we’re going to do? I’m going to come back tomorrow and we’re going to look for a way to find somebody to help you. Are you okay with this?” Calum nods silently. “That’s good,” Luke says. He gives Calum a brief hug and lets him go. “I don’t want to leave you alone now but you should go to bed. Have a shower, then sleep. And don’t drink anything more, okay? Will you do that for me?” he asks. Calum nods his head, again.

                Luke smiles sadly. He fetches his jacket and his bag, and says goodbye to Calum. It really worries him to leave him alone, but he can’t imagine himself tucking Calum into bed and watching over him. Not now. Not after six months. So he hugs Calum one last time, and walks out of his apartment. Calum stands under the door frame like a sad statue and watches him go.

                Luke goes to bed soon after he’s back home, but he doesn’t even sleep for more than one hour. His phone rings loud on his bedside table and wakes him up far from gently. Luke gropes for it, heart beating with shock, and it thumps even faster when he sees Calum’s name displayed on the screen. “Calum?” Luke says when he picks up, voice thick from sleep.

                “I failed, Luke. I drank,” Calum says at the other end of the line. He sounds horribly guilty.

                Luke sighs deeply, pained. “How much?” he asks, dreading Calum’s answer.

                “Two glasses,” Calum answers. Luke tries to say to himself it could have been worse. “I didn’t do as you told me,” Calum says.

                Luke closes his eyes and rubs his forehead. “Look, when I said to do that for me, I didn’t… I didn’t mean it as an order specifically from me. It was just – I just wanted you to feel better. It’s okay. I’m not a wizard, me telling you not to drink is not gonna cure you magically, it’s more complicated than that. You didn’t _fail_ , you just…you just didn’t succeed. But it’s okay. It’s okay.”

                “I just didn’t succeed,” Calum repeats. He doesn’t sound satisfied.

                “Yeah,” Luke says. “Is that all you wanted to tell me?”

                “Sorry for bothering you,” Calum lets out, really fast, and he’s about to hang up.

                “No, I didn’t mean it like that!” Luke exclaims. Calum remains silent. “Is there anything else?” the blonde-haired boy asks more softly. “Where are you?” His head rests on the pillow, comfortably, and he’s fighting hard not to go back to sleep on Calum.

                “In my room, I locked the door,” Calum says. Luke thinks it’s a bit useless because since Calum has the key, it’s not going to stop him from getting out but he appreciates the effort. “I’m gonna try to lie down.”

                “Okay, that’s good, you do that,” Luke replies. “You close your eyes…” He yawns. “And you let yourself go.”

                Luke drifts off into sleep, his phone still in his hand.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

                Luke’s cheek is pressed against his phone when he wakes up in the morning, and there’s a big red mark on his skin. It’s almost ten a.m. Pleasantly, he buries himself deeper under the bed sheets, curled into a tight warm ball. His mattress is so soft that he might as well just go back to sleep this instant. Luke still yawns and tries to remember what the little device is doing there, but then it comes back to him. Calum. He shouldn’t have left him alone like that, without warning. Luke hurries up and sends him a text, hoping nothing happened.

_Hi Calum. Sorry about yesterday, I fell asleep. I hope you’re okay._

                Calum’s reply comes about ten minutes later. _I’m okay. It’s fine, it was late. You were already really nice to me, so thank you._

_When do you want me to come to do what I told you?_ Luke asks him.

                _As you want. This afternoon, if it’s okay._

_I’ll be there at three._

                Luke spends his morning searching for a number to call. He knows it won’t be difficult to find an anonymous help service or something of that sort, but he wants something more serious and regular. He looks it up on the internet, hoping to find a doctor, an association, or group that could handle Calum’s issues. He finds different ones, a doctor specializing in family relationships, an office offering group therapies, and several psychiatrists working together, who seem really ideal. Luke writes down all their phone numbers and names on a notebook he slips into his pocket. He doesn’t really know why he’s doing all of this for Calum. They may have used to date, but it’s probably not his role to find a suitable therapy for him. Though it does seem that Calum’s parents cannot take care of it, and his friends apparently do not know about everything.

                As promised, Luke leaves for Calum’s place at twenty-five to three in the afternoon, and he takes the bus again. About an hour ago, he texted Scott to tell him how last night went, but he’s still waiting for a reply. When he reaches Calum’s doorbell, he walks along the flowered alley to the glass front door, and rings the doorbell. Calum unlocks it with the security phone. Luke doesn’t know what to expect. He hopes Calum will be in a better state than when they were on the phone. It seems so. Calum greets him with a small smile. “Hey,” he says. “Thanks for coming.”

                Luke smiles, too. “Did you sleep well after you called?”

                “It was okay,” Calum answers. He shrugs and they go to the living-room.

                “I’ve found several numbers, you tell me which one you want to call. Here’s a service with group therapies, that’s basically…I mean, you know what it is,” Luke says. “There’s also a doctor specializing in family stuff, but I’m not sure if she could help you with the…” he trails off. “Or there’s the Centre with several – ” he doesn’t like saying the word, “psychiatrists. What do you think?” Calum looks at the numbers and the names successively, expressionless. Luke hopes he doesn’t think he’s being considered as a mad man.

                “I don’t like the group thing,” Calum replies finally. “Let’s try the last one,” he says. Luke manages a little smile and he nods. He explains to Calum that before they can set up an appointment, they have to call and to answer questions so that the doctor who will be on the phone with them will get to know better why they’re being contacted. Then Calum can meet a psychiatrist at the Centre and talk to them, and eventually start a therapy. Luke dials the number and hands the phone to Calum, who suddenly doesn’t look as calm. “Am I the one doing the talking?” he asks. Luke chuckles and tells him that no one could do it better. Calum frowns and tightens his grip on the phone. After a few seconds, the person at the other end of the line picks up, and they hear a voice saying hello. Calum swallows. “I…I…” he stammers.

                “ _Hello? Is anyone there?”_ the voice asks. _“I can’t hear you.”_ Luke nibbles at his lower lip. Calum still isn’t speaking. He’s sitting cross-legged on the sofa, hugging one of the cushions against his chest. Just when Luke starts to be afraid something might happen, it does, and the doctor hangs up. Calum looks surprised but also embarrassed. Luke says it’s fine, that he can try again. It’s terrible. He feels like he’s not with the same person as during the last holidays. Calum used to be so confident, witty, so much…so much more _dominant_ than Luke that it seems like his mind was replaced with the one of a frightened child while Luke was away. The blonde-haired boy takes the phone from him.

                “I’m gonna speak for you, but I’ll turn the volume up so that we both can hear, and if you have something to say, say it, okay?” he asks. Calum nods. Once again, Luke dials the number, and he waits. Calum’s eyes aren’t leaving the phone. Then, when the doctor picks up, Luke smiles. “Hello? Is this the Medical and Psychiatric Centre?” he asks politely. He gets a positive answer, and exchanges a brief look with Calum. “My – my friend Calum called you about two minutes ago, he’s with me at the moment, but there was a problem and he couldn’t… Well, we’re calling again,” Luke explains. “I saw your website and he would like to talk with one of the doctors of the Centre to maybe set an appointment soon.”

                _“Of course, I’m listening,”_ the doctor says. She’s a woman, about forty years old.

                Luke looks at Calum. “Do you want to tell her?” he asks low, just for him. Calum shakes his head. “Okay, so…” Luke begins, to the doctor this time. “My friend is twenty-four and he lives alone, and in the past ten months, I’ve been noticing that he drinks a lot, and often, and it made me think he might have a sort of…a sort of addiction?” he says hesitantly. It’s already hard to put into words, but with Calum next to him, he’s even more nervous. The young man listens to him without a word, and Luke can’t read anything on his face. “He has some issues with his parents as well, but the most important thing is that he should stop…well, stop drinking.”

                _“I understand,”_ the doctor replies. _“Does he know he has an addiction? Does he deny it, or not?”_

                “Not…really,” Luke says. He looks at Calum, and Calum gives him a tiny nod. “He used to deny it, but I think he knows about it now,” Luke goes on. He remembers what Calum told him yesterday and thinks his answer is appropriate.

                _“Very well. Has he ever told you he wanted to solve this problem?”_

                “He didn’t tell me by himself but when I said he needed to, he didn’t say no, so…”

                The doctor is silent for a minute or two, and Luke assumes she’s taking notes. _“Is your friend still with you?”_ she asks in the end.

                “Yes, he is,” Luke answers.

                _“Did he hear our conversation?”_

                “Yes.”

                _“Good. Calum, do you agree with what your friend told me?”_

                Calum looks taken aback. “I – yes, I do,” he says.

                _“Would you like to meet one of our doctors?”_

                “Yeah, I would.”

                _“Okay. We can set up an appointment next week, on Saturday, at four o’clock. The doctor will ask you more questions to get to know you and see how he or she can help with your issues. Does that suit you?”_

                “It does,” Calum answers hastily.

                _“Perfect,”_ the doctor says. _“It’s a great thing to have called. You can be proud, both of you.”_

                “Thank you,” Calum breathes. “Goodbye.”

                _“Goodbye.”_

                Luke presses the red button on the phone and hangs up. Silence falls in the room. He looks at Calum, and Calum looks at the floor. He’s wringing his fingers between his legs. The rock band bracelets hang there loosely. He swallows. Then he gets up, and Luke sees him walk to the bathroom without a word, where he closes the door behind him quietly. Luke doesn’t know how to react. Is Calum mad at him? Does he regret making that phone call? Luke sits on the sofa anxiously, wondering when Calum will come out of the bathroom and above all what he’s doing in there. He can hear no noise. Luke takes a pen and writes down the date and time of the appointment as well as the address of the Centre for Calum, and puts the piece of paper in the middle of the table. Calum is still in the bathroom.

                Luke gets up. It’s been almost twenty minutes. He tiptoes to the door of the bathroom, his socks all but silent on the wooden floor. He knocks softly on the door, but gets no reply. Luke decides to enter nonetheless, and he grabs the doorknob and turns it. “Calum?” he calls softly. Luke stands under the door frame for a moment when he sees him. Calum is curled up in a corner of the room, between the bathtub and the wall, and he fits perfectly in there, as if the spot was made for his body. His head rests between his crossed arms, on his knees. Luke hears a little crying sound. “Oh no,” he says, walking up to Calum quickly. He crouches down next to him, and pats his shoulder. “Calum, what’s wrong?”

                Luke didn’t expect that just one day after seeing Calum again, it would be like that. He thought they would just talk a little bit and drift apart. But now Calum is crying again and Luke has to comfort him the best he can, and his best isn’t that good apparently because it doesn’t stop Calum from sobbing at all. It lasts a long time, with Calum’s back trembling under Luke’s hand, until the crying fades into an occasional whimper. Luke asks him if he regrets having called, if he’s afraid to see a doctor, he says that’s it’s okay if he is because they can always cancel the appointment and call someone else… But Calum doesn’t say anything. Until Luke says sorry. Then, Calum sniffles twice and looks up at last, wiping his nose with his sleeve. “Don’t – be sorry,” he says. His eyes are red and wet. “It’s just that…it’s so stupid, but…”

                “What?” Luke asks low. “What’s stupid?”

                “Nobody has ever done as much as you just did for me and it’s fucking me up,” Calum answers before tears gather in his eyes again.

                “Oh, Calum…” Luke whispers, wrapping his arms around him. “I’m not the one – I’m not the one who…I didn’t do it. _You_ agreed to make the call, _you_ made the decision and _you_ were being brave. There’s no need to thank me for anything. I just want to help you, okay? I just want to help you.” Luke holds him a little tighter. For once, Calum doesn’t smell like alcohol that much, and Luke thinks he probably had a shower at the beginning of the afternoon, since he knew Luke would come. It was for him. Calum is trying so hard to conceal it – “I just want to help you,” Luke repeats, lower. Calum’s fingers brush his waist and clumsily, he hugs him back. Luke smiles sadly.

                “Still, thank you,” Calum says. “I love you.”

                Luke’s heart skips a beat when he hears Calum’s last words. Calum is nuzzling his sweater and he doesn’t seem to be waiting for a reply, so Luke decides not to give him any. But the lump in his throat probably would have made it impossible anyway.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

                _“Will you go with me?”_ Calum said. Luke said he would. That’s why he’s there, on his scooter, waiting in Calum’s street for him to come out. It’s a cloudy Saturday afternoon, but warm. Luke checks his watch once more, but when he looks up, Calum is slipping through the glass door, and walking fast along the alley. He seems to be hesitating between walking and running, which results in a weird, irregular pace. He keeps glancing to the right and to the left. “Hi,” he says when he reaches Luke, and Luke hands him a helmet. “Do I really have to wear that?” Calum asks, laughing a bit. Luke smiles and he nods. It would be a shame if Calum died before they made it to the Psychiatric Centre. Calum gets on the scooter behind Luke, and he sits awkwardly with his hands on his knees.

                “You’re gonna fall if you don’t hang on,” Luke says.

                “Hang on to what?” Calum asks nervously.

                “To me.”

                “Oh.”

                Calum fidgets on the seat and he finally wraps his arms around Luke’s waist, obviously not daring to hold him too tight. Luke hopes it’s not what he thinks it is, but his heart does a strange little thing inside his chest. He starts up, and they get going. He’s memorized the directions to go to the Centre from Calum’s place, and they get there in about half an hour. During the entire ride, Calum’s arms form a literal circle of embarrassment around him, and he doesn’t speak at all. Since the previous week, Scott has replied to his text and told him he was doing something kind for Calum. Luke doesn’t see why they all seem to think he’s some sort of hero. It’s just – seeing Calum like that, he can’t bear it any longer.

                The medical Centre doesn’t look like one. It’s in a residential street, and hadn’t Luke known it was there, he would have thought it was just a big house. He parks his scooter on a specific spot, and the two of them get off it. They walk down stone stairs and reach a small garden. With the other houses around it, it looks hidden, lower, like a secret place. There’s an alley with pavement, and two big trees. Then, the Centre. It really does look like a house, except for the plaques showing the name and the functions of the different doctors in it. Luke rings the doorbell and someone opens the door for them. A young lady walks out of her office, says hello to them politely, asks for their names, and walks them to the waiting room.

                Luke and Calum sit down on chairs. There’s a girl with her parents on a sofa; she looks about fifteen years old. On another corner of the room, a man of thirty or thirty-five, alone. Calum looks at Luke uncomfortably. “Are you sure you want to wait here for me to have finished?” he asks. Luke nods. They’ve agreed on that, there’s no reason to change the decision. Actually, he’s been told the Centre is quite well-known in the region, and that it usually takes much longer than a week to be able to meet one of the doctors for the first time. He really hopes it will help Calum.

                They wait about ten minutes until the same lady who greeted them comes back, and calls Calum. “You’ll be seeing doctor Johnson,” she says. Luke pats Calum’s shoulder to make him stand. Just as they walk out of the waiting room, a woman comes to them. She’s in her mid-thirties, wearing glasses and her hair up in a bun.

                “Calum?” she asks. Calum nods at her. He looks a bit frightened. “I’m doctor Johnson. Come, we’re going to be upstairs,” the doctor says. Her voice is soft. Luke tells Calum that he’s going back to the waiting room, when doctor Johnson calls him. “You too,” she smiles. “You’re the friend who was on the phone, aren’t you?”

                “Yeah, it was me,” Luke answers. Calum seems relieved not to be going alone. Doctor Johnson leads them to a flight of stairs leading to the first floor, and they enter her office. She closes the door and pulls out two comfortable chairs for them. Luke looks around discreetly. The walls are covered with drawings made by children, and out of the window, he can see the garden in front of the Centre. The doctor sits on the other side of her desk, facing them, and she looks at Calum for a long time, then at Luke too. It doesn’t bother Luke, but her blue eyes, though warm and soft, seem to see everything that’s inside his mind.

                “I know you called last week,” doctor Johnson says after a moment. “I was next to the lady you spoke to when you were on the phone. Let me tell you what we’re going to do. I’m going to speak to the two of you at the same time first, for ten minutes or so, then to Calum alone, for about half an hour, three quarters if we need more time. Is that okay?” she asks. Both Calum and Luke nod their heads. “So. What do you want to tell me?” While Luke and Calum glance at each other, she takes a pen and a sheet of paper. “Tell me whatever you want, your names, your ages, when you met…I just need basic information for the moment,” doctor Johnson says with a smile.

                Luke takes the plunge. “I’m Luke. We’re both twenty-four. Er…we met last summer when we were on holiday.” He swallows as the memories come back to him.

                “Oh, that’s sweet,” the doctor says. She’s taking notes. “Where was it?”

                “In the countryside, near the ocean,” Calum answers. A tiny smile forms on his lips.

                Doctor Johnson gathers more information about Calum, then she looks at him again more seriously. “And why did you come here, Calum?” she asks. Luke knows she already knows, but she probably wants to hear how Calum is going to put it into words. This time, the question isn’t for him and he waits for the young man to speak, just like the doctor.

                Calum looks down at his lap. “I came because Luke said I should,” he says evasively.

                “And why did Luke say you should?” doctor Johnson replies.

                This time, Calum can’t avoid giving a clear answer. “Because I have a drinking problem,” he says after a minute, very low, a bit sadly.

                “That’s good, that’s good,” doctor Johnson nods repeatedly. “You acknowledge it. That’s brave.”

                Calum looks up and he looks at her, then at Luke. He doesn’t say anything. For a minute, the three of them are silent. The doctor takes notes, sometimes glancing at Calum or at Luke. Then she puts her pen down, and smiles at Luke. “I’ll leave you to speak with Calum alone,” Luke says as he understands. He gets up, and touches Calum’s shoulder. “I’ll be in the waiting room, okay?” Calum nods. Luke smiles at the doctor and he walks to the door, closing it quietly behind him once he’s out. He climbs down the stairs, and sits down again in the waiting room, grabbing a magazine and opening it. But he’s not really reading it. He wonders if Calum will find it easy to talk to doctor Johnson. She sounds like an intelligent and comprehensive woman, but he knows that sometimes, rapports between people can be bad without a particular reason. Maybe Calum will need to see someone else.

                When Luke sees Calum coming back, he didn’t think he would ask him to come back upstairs with doctor Johnson and him. A bit puzzled, Luke gets up. Calum looks strange. Not uneasy or scared, but strange. Luke follows him to the doctor’s office, and she smiles at Luke when they sit down. “We had a good talk,” she says. Calum nods. “As I told Calum, we’ll be seeing each other again. I want you to know that because being with a doctor is good for him, but I won’t be with him at home or anywhere else – although you can always call if you need to,” she adds to Calum. She looks at Luke again. “I didn’t prescribe him any medicine, but maybe I will someday. What we want is for Calum to be healthy again. It’s a mental illness, not a moral failing.” She looks down at her notes, then back at them. “I think we can stop here for the moment. See you on the 20th of May, then,” she says to Calum.

                Calum manages a smile and he shakes her hand. “Thank you,” he says. “Goodbye.”

                Luke shakes her hand too, and he’s about to walk out of the office after Calum, when doctor Johnson calls him back. “Luke,” she says, a bit low, “you can do something for him, you know.”

                “Oh, I can stop drinking too, if that’s what you mean. I had planned to do it, anyway,” he says quickly. It’s the truth, he’s thought about it several times. He’d expected the doctor to approve, but she only giggles and shakes her head. Luke frowns.

                “No, I didn’t mean it like that,” she says. “Just be sweet to him. That’s all he needs.”

                Luke nods and he says goodbye, then joins Calum in the corridor. They go downstairs again, and the lady in the office next to the front door waves at them discreetly. Calum still hasn’t spoken. They’re in the middle of the little garden when he looks at Luke. “Did it go well?” Luke asks.

                “Yeah, it did,” Calum says. “It did.”

                “That’s great.”

                “She told me we would find ways to make progress with time, a lot of different ways.”

                Luke smiles.

                When they get back on the scooter, Calum wraps his arms around him again, but this time, much tighter. It’s already ten past five. As they ride back home, Luke feels him press himself against his back like a child. And when his heart flutters deliciously, he starts to wonder if he isn’t falling for Calum all over again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again, i hope you liked the chapter (i know the angst parts suck ok)! it would make me really happy if you told me about it ^^  
> thanks for reading <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It keeps going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's the final chapter before the epilogue i hope u enjoy

 

 

                Luke watches Calum go to the therapist again, from afar, and he waits and hopes for change to be made. Calum regularly calls him or meets him to tell him how it’s going, what Doctor Johnson teaches him or suggests him. He’s started to keep a diary about the times when he feels like drinking. Everyday, he writes down how he feels and rates on a scale from one to ten how hard it is to keep himself away from bottles, and how long he manages to. He even writes honestly when he ends up drinking, and says that he’ll try to make the number of daily glasses reach zero soon. Doctor Johnson says it’s important for him to stop for good, because drinking at a young age may have heavy consequences on his future life. Calum listens to her, and Luke is even surprised by how well he gets on with the woman.

                The fact is that Calum has a real addiction and the absence of the substances he’s used to drink makes him physically sick. For the three weeks following his first appointment, Luke sees it, and he tells him that perhaps he should ask Doctor Johnson if some meds could help with that. Calum ends up taking pills that make the withdrawal less painful for him. It’s weird for Luke to know about all of that. He still doesn’t think they’re normal friends. Yet, the two of them act as if they’d forgotten all about the past year. And Calum doesn’t want to talk about anything with anyone else. Luke informs Scott regularly, though without being precise about what the doctor does with Calum, but Calum knows it and he’s okay with it.

                The medicine actually makes a big difference, although Doctor Johnson says it must not be considered as the most important element of the therapy. Once the physical impact of reducing the amount of alcohol he drinks everyday has faded, it becomes a mental task. Calum asks Luke if he can call him every time he feels like drinking, just to talk. He doesn’t even tell him he’s feeling bad, he just calls and they talk about whatever keeps his mind busy – the latest movies released, music, sports, politics, anything. It’s not unpleasant, because this way, Luke can help Calum a bit while simply acting like a friend. He likes talking to Calum. The young man’s frightened side is starting to wash away, and even though he doesn’t go back to who he was before, it’s a sort of a happy medium.

                Luke didn’t really want them to end up like they do. He was afraid that eventually, he would be facing the same problems as at the end of their relationship. But slowly, he grows attached to Calum, once again. He’s a really lovable person and now that he’s opened up to Luke, it’s even truer. Calum can’t go on holidays in summer because it would mean stopping his therapy momentarily, and he’s not ready for that yet. Luke goes on a two-week-long holiday trip with his parents, but he promises that once he’s back, he’ll spend time with Calum too. In late July, they go to the movies together and with Scott and Jamie and Nate too sometimes. It’s a hot summer, and all the more in the city, since there is no wind, contrary to the countryside near the ocean.

                Calum has got his car back but he doesn’t drive that often anymore. But that day, when they go watch _Transformers 4_ in town, they ride it to the cinema. Luke sees Calum tries to be prudent. Scott and Ella were supposed to come with them, but she was sick and his boyfriend decided to stay with her, which left Calum and he alone. It’s not such a bad thing because they like spending time by themselves, just the two of them. Luke wishes it would last long, with Calum recovering slowly but surely and the sunny weather in the air. As they walk into the cinema, Calum’s hand rests on his shoulder, verging on more than friendship, but it doesn’t bother Luke. Since a lot of people are away on holiday at the moment, the theater is almost empty, and the two of them can sit in the middle of a raw and eat their popcorn freely while commenting about how commercial the movie is.

                Calum has decided to start drinking other sorts of drinks, and after trying different stuff like fruit juice or soda, he’s finally settled for tea, which he now drinks in every possible form. At home, he can brew a hundred mixes, rose or chocolate or grapefruit and mate tea, but at the movies, he contents himself with peach Ice Tea. As long as it’s not alcohol, Luke would be okay with anything. They leave the theater laughing about how bad the actors were and listing every product placement they noticed during the movie. Since they had dinner before going to town, they spend time in the streets, just walking around. Calum offers Luke to go to his place and they head there. Since the beginning of his therapy, Calum has emptied his bar and given away his alcohol supplies to friends, but Luke suspects him of having kept a bottle or two in some cupboard, even though he hasn’t found anything so far.

                Calum turns on the TV. There’s a silly movie playing, the kind of movies only grandmas watch, where the plot is either about inheritance issues, murder, or women cheating on their husbands. But they still leave it be, just to have background music and voices. Calum plops down on the sofa, next to Luke, and they chat a bit while watching the movie absently. It seems to be a German movie, and the English voice actors they hear on the TV right now are absolutely terrible. Luke smiles. He’s starting to feel tired, and he wriggles his way closer to Calum, leaning against his side. Calum wraps his arm around him instinctively, while still looking at the TV screen. Luke closes his eyes.

                When Calum kisses him, it doesn’t feel unnatural or surprising. Luke thinks he even expected it, somehow. He doesn’t open his eyes, and Calum’s lips brush his softly. The movie is ending, with slow acoustic music playing low. Luke fiddles with Calum’s left shirtsleeve. His heart beats fast. He can’t help noticing how Calum doesn’t smell like alcohol anymore. Instead of it, there’s something Luke cannot name, and it’s simply his own scent. Luke leans back onto the sofa, Calum over him. They kiss for a long time, until Luke undresses and they make love the slow, steady way.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

                Luke is okay with the incident of the previous night, if it’s called an incident. He’s okay with it. Calum was gentle with him, and there’s no pretending it didn’t feel good. He just didn’t think it would happen. Not that soon, at least. When Luke wakes up in the morning, still in Calum’s arms, he untangles himself from him quietly and goes to the bathroom. He has a shower and when he returns, Calum’s awake, lying on his stomach lazily. Luke sits down next to him, and the young man looks up. “Time to get up,” Luke says softly. Calum mumbles he wants to stay where he is.

                It takes Luke ten good minutes to make him trail to the bathroom. While Calum showers, Luke thinks. It’s not exactly a _problem_ they slept together; it’s just that…Calum might think Luke wants to be in a relationship with him again and to tell the truth, Luke doesn’t know if he’s ready for that. If either of them is ready for that. But they sort of ignore it, and act as if nothing had happened. After all, friends can do that without it meaning anything, can’t they?

                Everything seems to be going quite well until the end of summer. Calum’s seeing Doctor Johnson regularly, keeping his diary, taking his meds once a day. Twice more, their days together start or end with the two of them having sex, but Calum seems to sense that Luke doesn’t want to go further yet. Being close to Calum and being intimate from time to time is fine, but an exclusive relationship would be too much. So days simply go by, quietly and peacefully. Until Calum relapses.

                It happens in early November, when Calum is alone at home. Luke remembers how Doctor Johnson told him that he wouldn’t be able to solve his drinking problem _and_ his family issues at the same time and that he would need to take care of himself first, then confront his parents. “Don’t _meet_ them too often,” she said. There was no chance of that. But apparently, a simple phone call was enough. Calum calls Luke in tears, even before he calls his therapist. Luke understands, actually. It was so easy for Calum to walk to the supermarket two streets from his place, and give a few coins to get a bottle. When Luke makes it to Calum’s apartment, Calum is trying to make himself throw up. Luke has to pull him away from the toilets and hold him until the young man stops breathing so fast.

                Calum isn’t able to call Doctor Johnson and he keeps saying she’ll be disappointed. She isn’t, and when Luke calls her to ask what to do, she’s surprisingly calm and handles it really well. _“I didn’t tell him but I knew it might happen, and I thought it would be even sooner. Tell him that it’s okay and that nobody will judge him. It’s not his fault, okay? Tell that to him. Forbid him to throw up. He can come tomorrow morning at the Centre, we’ll think about what happened. Give the phone to him, it’s okay if he can’t talk.”_ Luke does as the doctor tells him and he hands her over to him. Calum holds the phone the best he can and he presses it against his ear for almost half an hour, sometimes letting out a few words. When he finally hangs up, Luke takes his hand. He doesn’t say anything.

                The next morning, Calum goes to the Centre as planned. The following weeks are like a nightmare to Luke. Calum is going back to the start, and all his hard work seems to have been useless. He has to take unscheduled blood tests to avoid all cheating. It’s all like before, the smell on his clothes, the mood swings, everything. Several times, Calum comes back from his appointments with red, puffy eyes. And Luke is sweet to him, because he remembers that’s all Calum needs. He’s sweet to him, but he also thinks that what Calum needs isn’t just sweetness. That’s about all he can do, though. Instead of being scared and shy like before, Calum becomes aggressive again, defensive, as if everyone was blaming him for having relapsed. Luke tries to make him understand, but he gets pushed away.

                Luke spends Christmas with his family. He’s always loved that celebration, regardless of the presents. It never really snows in December where he lives, but still. There’s a merry spirit. He thinks about inviting Calum to lunch on Christmas day, for him to meet his parents and his family, but the young man is still in a bad state and Luke is worried he might have a crying fit or anything of that sort during the day, which is why he gives up on that idea. He knows Calum will be alone on Christmas, because he doesn’t want to see his parents. Luke sees him hope silently, and it hurts when he breaks it to him. “I’m sorry,” he says, “I… I thought it was better for you not to…”

                “Not to come?” Calum replies. His first reaction is to be bitter about it, but he understands, in spite of everything. “It’s fine, I hope you’ll have a good time with your family,” he says. Luke doesn’t dare apologize again and he squeezes Calum’s hand softly. On Christmas day, his parents greet him in their home with his aunt and his uncle, his cousins and his grandparents. Luke hasn’t drunk alcohol in a very long time and when his parents hand a glass of champagne to him, he hesitates.

                “Don’t you want some, honey?” his mother asks.

                Luke shakes his head as he makes his decision. “No, thank you,” he replies.

                “You’re not drinking?” his uncle says. “Why?”

                “I have a friend who’s currently trying to stop,” Luke explains. “And imitating him is the least I can do. I don’t – I don’t want to make it painful for him.”

                “It’s Christmas day, though, and your friend isn’t here,” his father objects.

                “Still,” Luke smiles.

                “As you want. Who’s that friend?”

                “Calum,” Luke says, and he realizes his parents have never seen the young man. There would probably be a lot of explaining to do about their relationship in the past year… Luke drinks Christmas tea at lunch, and it doesn’t bother him at all.

                When Luke sees Calum again after Christmas, he has never looked so sick. Calum announces him that Doctor Johnson has prescribed him antidepressant drugs, but they’re not really strong because she didn’t want him to become addicted to that on top of alcohol. But they seem to have found a new way to make a change, and it’s exercising. Calum’s therapist says jokingly that it might even become his new addiction, which would be the best outcome since it would be infinitely healthier than anything else. In the chilly days of January, Calum slips into sweatpants and puts on trainers and he goes into the streets to run, half-heartedly. He even goes to the gym twice a week. And _that’s_ when Luke sees the change.

                No medicine and no sweetness could have been more efficient. When Calum comes back from his training sessions breathless and exhausted, what he wants to do is shower then go to bed, not open a bottle. Luke is actually really impressed and wonders why Calum didn’t start to do that before. It would have saved them from a lot of things. Or would it? Sometimes Luke sees how determined relapsing has made Calum. He doesn’t remember seeing him as happy to write down _zero glasses_ in his diary before the accident. On top of that, exercising is like a purge and it cleans Calum’s body entirely, and he seems to grow taller as he stands straighter, and he looks less skinny. Within two months, Doctor Johnson tells him he can stop taking the antidepressant drugs. It’s a little hard at first, but for once, Luke’s sweetness turns out to truly be the one thing Calum needs.

                Luke doesn’t want to be too optimistic and neither does doctor Johnson, but when June begins, it’s been more six months since Calum relapsed and he hasn’t touched alcohol since. They start thinking and saying that he might be on the right track. Luke has got a position as a salesperson in a company selling pieces for electronical devices. It’s a full-time job and the salary is quite good – moreover, he will probably get a rise if he stays there long enough. It was Calum’s last year in his engineering school and he barely gets his license. Not that he’s not intelligent or serious; it’s just that he had to do a year again twice because he skipped so many classes in the past years.

                This time, doctor Johnson allows Calum to go on summer holidays, provided he calls her once a week. Of course, Calum wants to go somewhere with Luke and it doesn’t make Luke that unhappy either. They don’t choose to go to the countryside because it would bring too many bad memories back, but they find a little house by the ocean in the North of the country. The days aren’t as hot as in the South, though they still can go to the beach or dine out in town. In August, Luke works again and they come back home, and see Scott, Ella, Nathan and the others. But what’s a bit strange is that neither Calum nor he really knows whether they’re in a relationship or not. When Scott asks him and Luke says he doesn’t know, his friend is genuinely surprised.

                “Are you telling me you don’t know whether you love him?”

                “Yeah, sort of,” Luke answers. Calum is in the kitchen, putting the cookies out of the oven. “It’s really weird.”

                “It’s obvious, to me,” Scott says. “Who else would have stood by him all these months? Calum would speak to no one but _you_. Seriously... And you slept together, didn’t you?”

                “Only three times,” Luke mumbles.

                “I know that’s not much compared to what you were used to,” Scott chuckles, “but still.”

                “Maybe,” Luke says. “But I don’t want to pressure him.”

                “To pressure him? Are you kidding me?” Scott retorts.

                Even Ella, who was listening to the two of them quietly, smiles and agrees. “He won’t feel pressured; on the contrary, he’ll literally blow up with happiness,” she says.

                “I don’t want him to blow up,” Luke mutters stupidly. Calum comes back from the kitchen, and he can’t add anything else, but suddenly, as if Ella and Scott’s words had changed him, he starts to notice how Calum gives him the cookie with the most chocolate chips or how the first cup of tea he pours is for him too. Luke’s tummy flutters with tiny butterflies when Calum grins at him. He looks handsome. No more dark circles, no more red eyes. Clear skin. As Calum’s fingers brush his own when they both reach for the bottle of milk at the same time, Luke feels his cheeks flush. Maybe it’s not that complicated, after all.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

                Luke begins to watch. He listens, he looks, for every sign of love Calum might be giving him. He wants to see if his friends are telling the truth. And as it begins, he notices a hundred little things, which Calum says or does. When they have dinner in town, Calum always insists on paying for him. When there’s a chilly wind outside, he gives his jacket to him. When the door of Calum’s apartment opens for Luke, Calum’s always smiling. When they have lunch with friends, Calum sits next to him. When they watch a DVD, he always lets him choose which one. When Luke sleeps at his place, when he lies on a mattress next to Calum’s bed, when they close their eyes, Calum holds his hand. And eventually, there is no way Luke can ignore that any longer.

                Calum may love him, but does he love Calum? Questions are dancing around in Luke’s head. According to Scott and Ella, he does. But who could know better than he himself could? One night, Luke lies awake from twilight till dawn, wondering and talking to himself. For the first time, he lets the memories come back to him. He remembers how Calum and he clicked immediately, that summer. He remembers the insane nights out, then the fights, and how he sworn to himself he would never love Calum again. But he also remembers missing him while he was in Los Angeles, and he remembers the way his heart fluttered when he met him again after six months. How Calum had changed. He remembers the heart-breaking sight of him crying in the living-room, he remembers comforting him, calling the Centre, staying by his side during all those months, sleeping together on Calum’s sofa… And then, it all feels clear.

                Luke doesn’t like taking things too fast. During the following weeks he spends with Calum, he gets a little closer to him, but without making it look strange. In September, Calum sends a letter to a company in order to ask for a work placement, and his request is accepted. Fortunately, unlike Luke’s, it’s only a few kilometers away from home. It’s nice to see him do something new. Calum is still seeing Doctor Johnson, but only once a week instead of twice. To celebrate that progress, he asks Luke to eat Chinese takeout at home, just the two of them. Luke asks him if he wants Jamie, Clive, Nate or anyone else to come, but Calum says that he only wants him because that progress, he made it with him. It makes Luke happy and warm inside.

                So that night, they call the Chinese restaurant a couple of streets away and order everything they like, even if there will surely be much too much for the two of them. It’s delivered at eight o’clock, and they choose a movie to watch. Calum bought several DVDs just for the occasion and he makes Luke choose. Once the film starts playing, they sit comfortably on the sofa, their plates in their hands. It’s a great movie, but Luke pays more attention to Calum. It really touched him a lot to hear Calum thought that he had helped him. And he’s grown fond of the nights he spends with the young man. Luke puts his plate down on the table shortly after Calum and he comes back to the sofa right away, to his favorite spot: against Calum, in his arms. It feels like they were made for each other.

                This time, it doesn’t come as plainly. First, Luke feels Calum’s hand stroke his belly, through his shirt. He smiles a little, snuggling closer to him, and grabs his hand to play with his fingers. It’s soft. Scott would chuckle and tell him that no casual friends would be doing all of that but it doesn’t really matter. Luke waits patiently. When the movie’s over, Calum turns the TV off but they stay on the sofa, cuddling. The new scent on Calum is even stronger than before and Luke likes it a lot. “It was good,” he says, talking about both the food and the movie. Calum smiles. He looks happy that Luke enjoyed what he had planned. Affectionately, he holds him tighter.

                “Luke,” he says after a while.

                “What?” Luke asks.

                Calum breathes in. “Nothing.”

                “Okay.”

                But what Calum doesn’t have the courage to say, he tries to show it. He puts his hand on Luke’s cheek, brings the boy’s face closer, and presses a soft kiss on his lips, silently. Luke savours it, feeling Calum’s warm mouth against his. They may have been intimate several times in the past months, but this feels much better and much more delicate and fragile. It’s a very precious instant and Luke makes it last as long as he can. But eventually their lips part and they stay here, faces inches apart, just breathing in each other. “I love you, Luke,” Calum says, and Luke’s heart stops beating.

                He thought that saying the words would break the spell, end the delicious feeling of just _waiting_. Waiting for it to happen, dreaming about it. He thought it would make it all less magical. But it doesn’t. Not one bit. It only makes Luke love Calum more. Calum’s cheeks are red and his eyes are shining and that’s where Luke can see what really is inside him, instead of it being hidden by fake personalities created by some liquid. Luke kisses Calum’s nose and he tries to gather as much strength as him to look into his dark pupils and whisper, “I love you too.” Luke sees Calum’s face brightening with joy and his eyes watering a bit, so he pulls him into another kiss, deeper and longer. Calum draws him up on his lap. And they kiss until they lie down and close their eyes to drift into sleep in each other’s arms.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

                Luke isn’t used to cold winters. He’s a southern child, and the only weather he’s seen all his life is warm and sunny. Hence, when this year, December comes covered with snow, he couldn’t be more surprised. Snow in the South? That’s new. And not just a few drops. Fifteen good centimeters cover the concrete. The town council has trouble handling that kind of unusual event, and for more than a week, cars and buses can’t move in the streets. It doesn’t bother Luke much since he can walk to work quite easily even if it takes long, and it’s even better for Calum. What’s satisfying is that he can spend more time at the young man’s place, saying that he’s too lazy to walk back home in the snow. They’ll lie on the sofa instead, tea and hot chocolate in two cups, and cuddle for hours.

                Calum tells him about his idea shortly before Christmas. Luke has promised they’ll spend the 25th of December together, with his family too, unlike last year. But that day, they’re still in Calum’s apartment, and Calum’s eager to ask him something. He even grabs Luke’s hand as he starts, and that means he’s truly enthusiastic. “I thought about something,” he says with a smile he’s trying to restrain. “Why wouldn’t we buy a house? With all that snow stuff, you’ve been staying here for days but I don’t like living in an apartment… If we had a house, we’d feel better, I’m certain we would. And I…I want to settle down with you.” Calum’s smile fades a little and suddenly he looks a bit hesitant. “Unless you don’t want to. What do you think?” he asks.

                “I think that’s a great idea,” Luke says slowly. He hadn’t thought Calum would want to live with him so much and so soon. “It’s just that I’m not sure I can get enough money for a house. If I stop renting my studio flat, it will already be great but I’ll have to ask for a bank loan, or to talk to my parents, all of that. I’d love to move in with you, though.” He pauses to nuzzle Calum’s shoulder. “Have you seen a place in particular that you liked?”

                Calum chuckles. “Yeah, here and there, this and that. But you don’t need to – to secure a loan or whatever, and don’t ask your parents for anything. It’ll be just fine with what I have. That place is worth a ridiculous amount of money,” he says, waving at his apartment evasively, “because it’s close to the city centre. If I sell it we’ll already get a lot.”

                “You can’t sell it _before_ we buy a house, though,” Luke replies with a playful smile.

                “True,” Calum says. He sighs. “I don’t know.”

                “It’s fine. We’ll find a way.”

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

 

                On Christmas day, Calum and Luke go to his family’s place by car. Calum asked him at least ten times if he ought to dress formally, but Luke laughed it away, saying that anything would be okay. They’re not visiting the Queen of England. Still, Calum wanted to make a good impression. The car ride is filled with _what ifs_ and questions. _What if they don’t like me? What if I drop something? What if I say something wrong? Wait – your grandparents aren’t dead, right? Is anyone dead? I don’t want to sound rude. And, do they know we’re dating?_ “They will. You won’t. You won’t. They aren’t, they’ll be here. No, nobody is. You won’t. Yes, they do,” Luke has to say, trying not to laugh. He knows Calum is actually nervous and he also knows he would be hurt to see Luke doesn’t take him seriously.

                The day does go smoothly though, in spite of all of Calum’s worries. Luke’s parents and his grandparents like Calum quite a lot. Even his little ten-year-old cousin finds him _really charming_. It makes Calum smiles and he tells her a lot of stories to amuse her. Next to him, Luke sips his Christmas tea and watches him amusedly. He’s starting to taste what happiness feels like. He’s told his mother beforehand that Calum wouldn’t drink alcohol at all, and she has the courtesy not to offer any to him. Several times, Luke has been with him in situations where they came across alcohol, and every time, Calum felt uneasy. So it’s better like this. Calum and Luke share with them their plan to buy a house, and Luke’s parents approve. They’ll be turning twenty-six next year, after all.

                Browsing through websites, turning the pages of magazines, Luke and Calum start searching for a place to live in. Calum keeps telling him not to look at the price. “I can always write a letter to my parents and they’ll be so lazy to argue and talk to me more that they’ll send the money right away,” he mumbles. Luke finds that a bit strange but ever since Calum relapsed, he hasn’t spoken to them on the phone or face to face even once. If it prevents him from being in danger again, it’s probably better. There are two houses Luke likes more than the others, but they’re so different it’s hard to choose. One of them is in the city centre, very modern and recent, while the other one, though still in a great condition, has a wide garden and almost seems to be in the countryside. Calum says they’ll view both anyway.

                So they do. They would like to move in before February, which is why Luke takes a week off work to have more time to take care of all the procedures. They view the modern house first. It’s quite wide, with two floors and small levels in between, and almost no doors. The walls are all white, the windows are big and it feels so light and bright and airy that every breath Luke takes seems to be fresher than anywhere else. The snow falls gently from the sky, outside. All the rooms are shown to them, and at the end of the day, they tell the owners that they’ll call them to say if they want to buy the house or not. Luke goes back home with Calum, discussing how he liked this or that aspect of a certain room.

                The other house comes two days later. And as soon as the door opens, Luke knows that it’s the one he wants. The walls are covered with wood and the floor with tiling, slightly used by time but smooth under the feet. Contrary to the previous one, in this house, there are a hundred doors and stairs and steps everywhere, spiraling up and down between the two floors and the basement. The kitchen and the bedroom are looking out onto the garden. Luke falls in love with the house within a minute. There are a lot of small corners in every room, like secret spaces, perfect to fit a bookshelf or to hide. Luke pictures Calum and he playing hide and seek in the entire house until the snow melts this year. He tries to listen to the explanations the owner gives them, but a dreamy smile floats on his lips and he wants to say _that seals the deal, I want to buy your house_. But he remembers to be polite and they say the exact same thing they said to the owner of the modern house when they leave.

                However, as soon as they get back in the car, Luke explodes. “This one is so amazing!” he says.

                “True,” Calum says with a laugh. “I think I already know your choice, then.”

                “It’s not hard,” Luke replies. “What about you?”

                “You already know that anything you like would suit me,” Calum singsongs. He starts up.

                “Which one do you like more, though?”

                “This one, not gonna lie,” Calum grins. Luke happily places a kiss on his cheek. “Let’s make the phone call tomorrow morning.”

                They call the owner of the second house to discuss the price and as always, the final one is a bit lower than the original, which makes Luke quite happy. It’s not that he doesn’t want Calum to pay for almost all of it – he just wants it to be as fair as possible. Then they have to sign papers, make other calls, go to places, sign more papers… Luke’s waiting for it to end. Calum has stopped seeing Doctor Johnson. She calls sometimes to ask if everything’s still alright, but she’s wished the two of them all the best. Luke thinks that moving into a new place will help him start off in the right way. In the middle of January, the house is theirs. Little by little, they move all their things and their furniture from their apartments to it, and Luke finds pictures, letters, clothes in boxes he’d forgotten. He has to throw away a lot of stuff, but to his mind, it’s important to make room for all the new memories he’ll create with Calum.

                The two of them move into their new house as February begins. They even throw a little party with all of their friends to celebrate. Scott and Ella are engaged. Nate comes with his girlfriend Rose, a skinny little girl with really long blonde hair. It’s a merry night. Luke has stopped renting his apartment, Calum is selling his. But the very first of their days together in the house, the real one, isn’t that one. It’s the next day. The city is still wrapped up in snow. But it doesn’t make the house less warm. Inside its walls, the temperature is hot enough to make Luke pleasantly dizzy. Noses and cheeks are red. Since they went to sleep late last night, they got up late too. In early afternoon, Luke and Calum make hot chocolate with extra cream.

                As he pours the hot drink into the cups, Luke looks at Calum. “What do you want to do?”

                “Nothing,” Calum smiles. With time, he seems to have grown even taller and even more handsome. Or maybe it’s just love. Luke doesn’t really know. He actually agrees with Calum’s plans for the day, and gives him his cup. They walk back to the bedroom lazily. Now that there’s furniture in the house, it feels even more hospitable and cozy. Luke climbs the wooden stairs quickly, giggling as Calum chases him but tries not to spill his hot chocolate. When he steps into the bedroom, he plops down on the bed and starts to drink. In front of him, there’s the window, and the view on the garden. Since the beginning of winter, it’s been covered with cotton-like snow. Calum sits next to him and he wraps his arm around his shoulders. “I’m quite happy right now,” he says.

                “Me too,” Luke smiles. He drinks all his chocolate, and the dark, creamy beverage swirls in his mouth, deliciously hot. Luke puts his empty cup on the bedside table and looks at Calum amusedly. “You’ve got chocolate on your face,” he says, wiping the corner of the young man’s mouth with his thumb. Calum leans in and steals a kiss from him. They’ve been acting in a very sweet way during the past few weeks, and Luke couldn’t be happier about this. It’s totally different from how they used to be, and at first he was surprised to see Calum buying flowers or carrying him to bed like a child, but it feels good, really good. As Calum cups his face, Luke lies down on the bed.

                “Aren’t you a little cold?” Calum whispers almost sleepily.

                “Ohh, yes, I’m cold,” Luke replies mischievously before Calum kisses him again. “Make me feel hot.” Luke’s legs wrap around the young man’s hips effortlessly. Calum’s tongue still tastes like chocolate. He’s lying over Luke but his weight doesn’t bother him. He’s just as tall as him but he feels small and protected under Calum’s body. Calum cups his face, kisses him, and he plays with his boyfriend’s sweater, a loose, light brown one which spent months and months in the cupboard before a cold winter came. Luke shivers.

                “It’s gonna be our first time here,” Calum notes.

                “Then let’s make it great,” Luke replies with a grin. If there is a better way to inaugurate the bedroom, he hasn’t thought about it yet. He takes Calum’s place and gets on top of him, and gazes at him for a long time. Calum’s waiting for him. Very slowly, Luke begins to rock their hips together, never leaving Calum’s eyes. He’s determined not to go faster. It’s so frustrating, yet it feels so good. Calum breathes in and out sharply. His fingers grope for Luke’s and he links their hands with one another, fingers intertwined as Luke keeps grinding against him. At each second, Luke feels himself growing harder and eager to feel Calum inside. And at every move he makes, waves of heat wash over his body, making him forget about all the snow in the world. All he wants is Calum.

                Calum begs him to stop after a moment, when Luke’s friction on his crotch no longer brings rapid breathing from him but aroused moans. It doesn’t stop Luke from unzipping his jeans for him and slipping his hand into his underwear. He finds him hard, and he gives him a short kiss, wrapping his hand around his member. Calum’s eyes flutter close. As Luke works his fingers on him, stroking and teasing, the young man’s hips stutter up sometimes when he thrusts into his hand. Calum’s warm, and wet. Luke’s fingers are slick with precum. He touches Calum until he feels him verging on the edge and only then he stops, caressing him one last time before he lets go. Calum pulls him down for a long kiss and he flips him over once again. “You’re beautiful today,” he says, and Luke pretends to laugh even if Calum’s words make his heart melt.

                “Only today? Stop talking and touch me,” he replies. A smile forms on Calum’s lips. He presses kisses all along Luke’s neck, from just below his ear to his collarbones. Luke lets out a sigh. While Calum rucks his sweater up and kisses every inch of his chest, Luke combs his dark brown hair with his fingers. It’s smooth to the touch. Calum’s kissing journey ends at Luke’s stomach and he unbuckles the boy’s belt, then pulls his pants and briefs down along his legs, tossing them on the floor. Calum’s eyes on his naked body feel like a caress. Usually, Luke starts to get cold when he’s not wearing clothes, but his sweater keeps him warm for the moment and he counts on Calum for doing the same later on. Now, the young man is making him spread his legs gently, and his fingers scrape Luke’s knees teasingly. “Calum,” Luke murmurs.

                Calum gives him a quick grin. He undresses completely, and he sits in front of Luke, a few hints of sweat pearling on his chest. Then he reaches for the bedside table and grabs a small bottle of lube, opens it, and pours a little of the cold liquid into his hand. Luke waits. When he feels Calum push two fingers into him, he moans in delight. His hand finds its way down his belly and he starts touching himself while Calum fingers him, and it all melts down into pleasure in his head. Calum’s fingers brush the sensitive spot inside him repeatedly, without hitting it too hard, and Luke’s always on the verge of crying out. He strokes himself slowly, not wanting to go too far before Calum is in him. But Calum prepares him until he’s wet and trembling, begging to be taken.

                “How do you want it?” Calum asks. Luke wonders what he’s talking about briefly, then he understands. They’ve picked up a little habit of trying out new stuff. First it was only places – from bed to wall, table to window, floor to shower, they were spoilt for choice. Then, a few different positions to spice it all up, and the game was on. Luke has never been embarrassed to experience other things in bed. He knows Calum loves it when he rides him, and Luke likes to see things getting heated in the kitchen or to catch Calum being naughty in the bathroom. He doesn’t see why he should be ashamed of the different ways they can be intimate. It’s an activity like any other one, between Calum and him. “How do you want it, Luke?” Calum repeats, peppering kisses on his forehead.

                “Like that,” Luke breathes, and he brings Calum down against his chest, then his fingers dig into the young man’s hips. “Just like that. Now,” he adds, voice quivering with anticipation. Calum understands and he kisses the right side of his jawline, nibbling gently. He pushes Luke’s knees further apart and brushes his entrance with the tip of his erection, earning pleading moans from Luke. “Please,” Luke says low. But Calum seems to want to wait some more. His hand finds a way between the bed and Luke and he presses it against Luke’s butt. Surprised, Luke gasps and he laughs nervously, glancing out of the window. He can only see the snow falling as quietly as ever. Calum kisses his lips one more time, and he sinks into him.

                As he feels Calum enter him, Luke thinks of all the times they made love before. Depending on when it was, it was sharply different. During their first summer together, nearly every time was purely rough, even rushed, hot, like the night on the backseat of Calum’s car, or the day they had a quick one, minutes before going to the beach with their friends. Then, there were the three times after Luke’s work placement, during those days when he supported him through his therapy and didn’t really know whether they were friends, lovers or nothing. The first one was on Calum’s sofa after a night out, long and deep; the second one on the morning Luke went to his place before they had to go out and have lunch in town; the third one, lazy and slow during a particular afternoon dragging on for an eternity, both of them on the floor of Luke’s bedroom. And finally came the times after they got back together. Those were steady, affectionate, colourful.

                Luke wraps his arms around Calum’s neck. He’s glad they ended up here, even if he often wonders how. “Oh God, yes,” he whispers, biting at his lip when Calum starts moving. He almost feels him pulse inside. “Yes, just like that.” Calum slides all the way out before he slams back into his entrance, and Luke’s back is pressed a little harder against the mattress every time. He feels dazed. Some of Calum’s thrusts are fast, brief, three or four of them, and then he’ll pause when their lips are barely touching, he’ll give him a ghost of a kiss, and go back to sliding in and out of him steadily. It drives Luke insane. His ankles and Calum’s butt writhe together. _So far_ , he thinks, _if we wanted to make that first time here good, we’re doing quite well_.

                “You’re tight,” Calum says, teeth grazing Luke’s lips.

                “It’s been days,” Luke replies. It’s true, with all the moving into the new house, planning the party, signing the papers and dealing with their former apartments, they haven’t found much time to sleep together. Except maybe that time when Luke was rummaging through the clothes he would throw away, and he turned around and Calum was there and the room full of scattered shirts and underwear was suddenly perfect for a few minutes of fun. Luke is pulled away from that memory by Calum hitting his prostate right there, right _there_ , and he lets out a scream. “Jesus, Calum, harder – ” he says incoherently, not even thinking he should be embarrassed. Short groans tumble from Calum’s lips but he does as he’s told, the best he can.

                Luke slams his head back into the pillow when Calum takes himself out of him, only to slide back home within a second. He digs his fingers into his shoulders. It feels amazing. Briefly, Luke thinks that it’s still early and they can rest for a little while when they have finished then they’ll do it again and maybe again before they go to sleep. Luke loves it when Calum is sweet to him all day but far from that in bed. It makes him want to see to what point he’ll go. He gently scratches Calum’s skin with his fingernails, on both of his shoulder blades. A thrill runs along Calum’s body and he gasps suddenly. His hips are stammering messy words Luke can’t understand and all he knows is that it has seldom felt so good. Small tears fill his eyes from the pain he starts to feel in lower back. But he hangs on and still cries out for more.

                His release slams through him, leaving him shaking and sobbing Calum’s name. Calum comes inside him, hot and long, moaning a mixture of curse words and _Luke, Luke, Luke_. He slides inside Luke a couple more times, slower and slower, until he comes back down. Luke pulls him into a slow, loving kiss, wishing it would never stop. Finally Calum lays with him, embracing him and holding him tight. They’re rolling on the bed lazily. Liquid is dripping down Luke’s thighs but he couldn’t care less. He feels hot again in Calum’s arms, and whole. Nothing could change that. “I love you, I love you Luke,” Calum whispers in his ear. “I’m in love with you, I love you…”

                “I love you too,” Luke says. “I love you a lot,” he repeats as he kisses the young man’s lips once more. Now his sweater sticks to his skin and he takes it off, his chest meeting Calum’s backwith relief. Calum presses his lips on his forehead. They close their eyes and stop moving, tired inhales and exhales filling the bedroom. Luke buries his head in the crook of Calum’s shoulder. He waits until the two of them are peaceful again, which takes more than half an hour. And after all that time, Luke tells him messily to give him his hand, and he takes hold of Calum’s left hand. With the tip of his index finger, he traces a letter. “You have to guess,” he mumbles sleepily.

                “Okay,” Calum replies. Luke traces a slow, gentle _L_. “L,” Calum says. “O,” he finds easily afterwards. Luke adds a _V_. This time, Calum hesitates. “U?” he asks. Luke shakes his head and giggles like a child. “V,” Calum says right away, and Luke suspects him of pretending not to be sure just to make the game more entertaining. He traces another letter carefully, and Calum is genuinely confused. “F? Z? K?” he says. “No, it’s not _obvious_ ,” he protests when Luke teases him. “Oh, wait. E?” Luke smiles and he finishes with _U_. Calum is silent for a minute. “That’s so cute,” he says finally in hushed tones, turning around to kiss Luke’s lips. “My turn.”

                He grabs Luke’s hand and puts his fingertip in his palm. Luke closes his eyes. When you’re on the other side of the game, it suddenly seems much harder. He manages to guess a _T_ and an _H_ hesitantly, but from the third letter, he starts to titter because Calum tickles him. “Is it an _A_?” he asks. Calum nods. “And that’s an _M_ , I know it,” Luke says then.

                “Wrong,” Calum chuckles.

                “ _W_?”

                “Nope.”

                “Oh wait, that’s an _N_ , I feel it now,” Luke says quickly. The next letter is easier, and he gets the first word. _Thank_. “ _Y_ ,” he says when Calum traces it in his palm. “ _O_. _U_.” Calum carries on. It’s an _F_ , it’s an _O_ , a _B_ – no, an _R_ , then an _E_ , _V_ , another _E_ , another _R_ , _Y_ , _I_ …or is it a _T_? And an _A_ – he means an _H_ , and an I, that one is easy. Then comes an _N_ , and a _G_. Luke tries to remember every letter he guessed, and slowly the words form in his head like a puzzle. He expected another _I love you_ , a sweet compliment or a naughty joke, but what he gets makes him close his mouth. _Thank you for everything_. Luke remembers _everything_ Calum went through in the past months and he wraps his arms around him, squeezing tight. “Shit, there’s no need for that,” he says, hoping Calum doesn’t hear the shake in his voice. “You don’t need to thank me.”

                Calum combs his hair with his fingers. “If you say so,” he says, and Luke feels him smiling. “If you say so.” Finally, Luke doesn’t think that another round is what he wants to have and lying next to Calum until the end of the afternoon suits him perfectly. Calum only gets up for a minute at five to bring back some white winter tea. Luke puts his sweater back on and they sip their warm drink quietly and once they’ve finished, Calum tucks the two of them under the covers. His arm wraps around Luke’s waist naturally.

 

                “Are you cold?” he asks.

 

 

                “No, I’m not. It’s so hot.”

 

 

                “Is it bad?”

 

 

                “No,” Luke whispers. “I love it.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo thanks a lot for the feedback you're giving me, that's really nice! <3


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's wrap it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's the last thing, enjoy!

 

               

_A year and a half later_

                Days are blurring together softly. Luke doesn’t hate the concept of routine. Work, dinner, love, sleep. He just feels good. It’s been more than a year since Calum and he moved into their new house, and time seems to have passed at the speed of light. The only big change, which occurred about six months ago, was Calum finding a job as an engineer, and he now works with a lot of people on the building of a new underground line in another city. Every week before and after that went by smoothly. They’ve found time to decorate the house in a more personal way, placing framed pictures on the walls or Luke’s favourite green plants in a corner of each room. Though late, Calum comes home to him every night, and if happiness exists, that’s probably what it feels like for Luke.

                Calum works in a huge building belonging to the underground company, Luke saw it once. It’s tall and it always reflects light brightly because of all the glass panels on it. But the fact is that it’s quite far from home. It was such a good position as a first job that Calum could not say no, and driving back to the house usually takes more than an hour, which only allows him to be there at nine p.m., most of the time. But some nights, he has to stay for a bit longer. This night is one of those nights. Calum calls Luke from his office. He sounds tired. _“I have a few things left to solve today,”_ he says with a sigh. _“Sorry, I won’t make it home for dinner. Don’t wait for me.”_

                Luke manages a little smile. “Okay,” he replies into the phone. “I’ll leave a portion of chicken for you in the oven.”

                _“Thanks, Luke. I love you,_ ” Calum says softly.

                “Love you,” Luke breathes before he hangs up. He’s been at home since seven p.m., and now that he knows Calum won’t be back soon, he decides to watch a movie while having dinner. He grabs a plate which he fills with chicken and small green peas, then he settles down in front of the TV. It’s not the most joyful movie ever, but watching _The Virgin Suicides_ for the sixth time can’t do any harm, can it? Luke loves watching movies. That’s what he usually does on those nights when Calum comes home late, although a good book is also a great way to kill time. Luke thinks Calum is going to text him to say he’s leaving, but nothing comes until the movie is over. Only then, Luke reads his message right when he gets it and he smiles sadly.

                _Traffic jam. Tired. Lonely._

                That’s a typical Thursday night, Luke thinks. _Don’t be_ , he replies. _I’m thinking of you._

_I wish I was home._

_Stay safe._

_See you later._

Luke looks at the clock. It’s close to ten p.m. A bit disappointed, he decides to get ready to go to bed. Even though it’s not the first time, he doesn’t feel completely serene alone in the empty house. He’s got used to hearing Calum’s soft sighs and cool voice. Silence is a little unpleasant. The other side of the bed is cold. Luke reads until his eyes start to close. Usually, Calum has arrived at that time. It shouldn’t take much longer now, but Luke turns off the lights and he curls into a ball under the sheets. He tries not to fall asleep, but fails.

                Luke cannot sleep properly alone. He’s woken up by the faintest sound, and the key turning in the lock of the front door downstairs is more than enough to make him open his eyes. Everything is dark. He hears Calum’s soft steps on the tiling downstairs, then the tinkle of a fork and a knife, water running and finally the stairs creaking low. Calum goes to the bathroom, he brushes his teeth, showers and changes into his usual night clothes – it’s always the grey sweatpants and no shirt – and at last, at last he pushes the door of the bedroom open. Luke notices he tries not to make any noise, but he’s awake now anyway. “It’s late,” he whispers, but not reproachfully.

                “I know,” Calum replies as he slips under the covers, alongside him. “Sorry.”

                “It’s fine,” Luke says. Sleepily, he turns to Calum and presses a soft kiss on his lips. Then he reaches out, wrapping his hand around him. He works his fingers on Calum, bends and takes him in his mouth, and when he feels the young man is ready, he gets on top of him and straddles his waist, stroking his dark hair repeatedly. Everything sounds muffled in the dark. Calum gasps and it sounds barely louder than a murmur. Luke opens his thighs. He slides backwards, inhaling sharply as he feels him inside. Calum doesn’t move. As Luke rises and descends, slowly, repeatedly, he lets out sighs. They don’t speak. Don’t need to. When they have finished, Luke rests his head on Calum’s chest, listening to him breathe and finally drift off into sleep. He follows him soon.

                The alarm clock on Luke’s bedside table is like a faithful soldier, never failing its mission – always there, always on time. But he hates it. The shrill ringing tone could probably wake the dead. Trying not to moan out his weariness, Luke sits up and blinks sleep away, stretching. Calum is emerging slowly. Luke rises and goes to the toilets. When he gets out, Calum is already downstairs, making coffee. The dark smell fills the air. Taking yoghurt out of the fridge and muesli out of the cupboard, Luke prepares two bowls. “Slept well?” Calum asks like he does every morning. Luke nods with a little grunt and Calum pats his shoulder. “Be strong,” he says softly. He chuckles. It brings a smile to Luke’s lips.

                Though verging on deep boredom, Luke’s day passes slowly but surely. As always, it’s a relief to leave his office for home. Happy about the fact it’s Friday night, he walks slowly and thinks that all he wants to do on this weekend is spend time at home with Calum. He tells himself he’s going to wait for him in front of a silly TV show, then they’ll order something or find food that’s already ready to avoid spending time cooking, and they’ll go to bed. _Ah. Sleeping._ However, when Luke arrives home, he sees Calum’s car parked in their driveway. It’s not even seven o’clock, that’s unusual. He would have told him. Curiously, Luke opens the door. And he’s pulled into a tight embrace, strong arms, warm chest, brown hair. “Happy birthday,” Calum’s voice whispers into his ear.

                Luke opens his eyes wide in surprise as he suddenly remembers that it’s not just the 16th of July, it’s also _the 16 th of July_, his birthday, and _damn_ he’s turning twenty-seven today, and he thinks that he must have become really dumb with time because he’d completely forgotten. He’d completely forgotten, although he knows very well that his birthday is in July. “Oh,” he says a little stupidly. Calum cradles him in his arms, he seems not to want to let him go but in the end, he releases him and he cracks a wide grin. Luke thinks he’s handsome.

                “I came back home a bit earlier today,” the young man says. “I didn’t ask anyone to come for dinner because I thought you’d like to relax a bit, but we can always invite friends another day. Come here, I was gonna make a call.” Luke follows him to the kitchen. Calum has set a pretty table and he’s got the phone in his hand, as well as the menu from their favourite restaurant. When there’s something to celebrate, he always puts a lot of energy into it, caring about small, lovely details that make Luke’s heart melt. The young man smiles a bit clumsily. “There you go,” he laughs.

                Luke really appreciates the intention. Calum gives him a box wrapped in bright blue wrapping paper (“I didn’t find any other one…”), which contains the gorgeous but expensive sweater Luke has been drooling over for the past weeks, and the new volume of a book series he loves. Luke hopes that a hundred kisses are enough to say thank you. “That’s so sweet,” he says in hushed tones as he sits on Calum’s lap, arms around his neck. He hugs him tight. When Luke begins to yawn and doze off on Calum’s shoulder, Calum carries him to bed, undresses him, pretending not to look, then undresses too and finally he tucks Luke in. Comfortably, Luke snuggles up to him and smiles when Calum wraps his arms around his waist. “Thank you,” he says low. “I love you.” Calum kisses the top of his head and Luke closes his eyes.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

                That’s the best thing. Definitely. Falling asleep in Calum’s arms and waking up to find him right by his side. Sometimes after they make love Calum holds Luke like a little kid holds his teddy bear. As if he were scared he might disappear. Luke doesn’t mind. He doesn’t find it strange, just adorable and very touching. And it’s warm. Without Calum by his side, he feels cold. Heat used to make him sick and to remind him of alcohol and anger. Now all it brings him is love and safety. Luke likes heat. Why shouldn’t he? Calum is against him, and his heart is warm.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you again for reading, i enjoyed posting that fic :)  
> in case you want to read more from me, i posted a smutty oneshot there - it has a best friend AU and it's quite funny imo (unlike Heat) hahaha - http://archiveofourown.org/works/2329085  
> bye bye <3

**Author's Note:**

> (I don't think anyone could notice because you're probably not in the fandom I'm going to talk about but this is actually an adaptation of a fanfiction of mine called Heat as well - I only changed the characters' names. It was originally written for Hunhan from EXO but the idea was inspired by Cake so I guess this is okay, I mean I'm not stealing my own work right? Here's the link to the other version: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/791425/heat-romance-luhan-sehun-hunhan-slightangst)
> 
> As a side note, I read the FAQ but I still have absolutely no idea how this website works. Guess I'll have to get used to it.


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